The Happiness Formula and Three Keys to Lasting Love with Anil Gupta

Reza Ghaemi: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Res Podcast, the show where we explore the ideas, habits, and conversations that help us grow, think differently, and live more intentionally. I'm your host, Reza Gayemi. Today I'm joined by Anil Gupta, internationally known as the Love Doctor. Anil is a relationship and happiness expert, TEDx speaker, and a three-time international best-selling author. After overcoming one of the darkest periods of his life in 2008, he dedicated himself to helping individuals, couples, and families build stronger relationships and live happier, more fulfilling lives. His work has reached people in eighteen countries and has been translated into eight languages. He has coached celebrities, including Mike Tyson, spoken alongside leaders such as Richard Branson, and appeared on Fox News, Harvard, Sky, TV, ABC and NBC, and iHeartRadio. today work will explore relationships, happiness, self worth, adversity, and what it truly takes to create a more fulfilling life. Anil, welcome to the Res Podcast.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Hey, thanks, Rosa. I'm excited to be on the call and I promise the audience, the listeners, the viewers. Amazing content that is practical, powerful, with immediate effects and immediate results.

Reza Ghaemi: Thank you so much. And if I miss anything with your intro, please adjust.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Well I I'm actually five times best selling author, so I haven't updated my bio but I I'll update it today.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay. Yeah, yeah. I knew I I missed something there. yeah, I was I was you when when before I hit record you said you you've been to Richard Branson's Island eighteen times. How does that work? Seventeen times.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Seventeen. Seventeen twenty. Well, you know, I I got invited as a guest to speak on the island and they they liked that me my presentation so they invited me back and I kept on going back. and really the you know, we we talked about being so amazing that you cannot be ignored. So if your audience and listeners and viewers If you just did this one thing, be so amazing you cannot be ignored. I promise you you'll show up differently. People will like what you have to say, who you're being, and they'll invite you to do things that you would never have thought possible. And it's a beautiful, beautiful way to live a life.

Reza Ghaemi: That's amazing. now w that's it's interesting that you say that because I actually are you familiar with the app Clubhouse?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I love Clubhouse. We we used to run coaching every day, eight AM, seven days a week.

Reza Ghaemi: Mm.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: my son, my wife and I and we would just offer free coaching and it it it was such a beautiful platform until it wasn't.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah, I miss those days. but through Clubhouse I met Lara Parish, a happiness coach. Do you have you met her before?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: No, no.

Reza Ghaemi: So she hosts these rooms called sort of the happiness rooms, and she has a book. It's called The Word You Carry, Living with Intention, One Word at a Time. And the idea behind that is sort of what you pointed out, you basically choose a word for every day of your life. The next day, essentially, or the morning you wake up. My word today was love. For example, you can pick beginnings, you can pick free falling, any word, and then you live in that during that day trying to live a more intentional life. So can you tell me what you mean when when you say when you said what you said, which is when we all live a more what was it that you said? like we're we'll be happier if we're just amazing people or live a more amazing.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah. So So if you be so amazing you cannot be ignored. So for

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: example, you know, you you go to a restaurant and you're really nice to the waiter, waitresses, to people and you o you open the doors for other people, you compliment people and you show up the best version of yourself. When you do that, you feel good. The person receiving the amazingness feels good. And it changes your vibrational energy. When that changes, the people that you attract in your life changes.

Reza Ghaemi: So O'Neill, what if you're having a bad day?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: This is a great question. This is where the happiness formula comes in. See there is a formula for happiness, which is happiness is equal to G times G times G. The first G is you have to give your time, your energy, your love, your commitment, your joy, your gift, your money. Give it away not wanting anything back. The second G is you have to be grateful for what you have and don't focus on what you don't have. And the third G is you have to grow emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and financially. So the score is between naught and ten. Zero is no gratitude, no giving, no growing, and ten is the highest. So exactly one year ago today, 25th of August, my happiness score at 8 30 a.m. was seven hundred and twenty-nine. Nine times nine times nine. At nine ten a.m. my happiness score went down to one. That's a seven hundred and twenty nine times in decrease. Obviously something bad happened. I slipped and fell. I fractured my wrist here in nine places, thirteen screws, titanium plates, a dislocation. But at nine ten AM my happiness score went to one hundred twenty five. Because I used the formula. I said, How can I raise my giving score? So I started to give the to the people who are helping me. How can I be grateful? It was my left hand, I'm right-handed. So I was grateful it was my left hand. And then how could I grow? I said, Well, I can use this in my future podcast, radio shows, my books as a teaching lesson. So my score went to Five times five times five, which is one hundred twenty five. So if you're having a bad day, it's a really great question 'cause we do. Ask yourself, do I need to give, do I need to grow, or do I need to be grateful? Whichever is the lowest, raise that, all the levels will rise.

Reza Ghaemi: Wow, I'm grateful that you're here, and you'll now

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Isn't it beautiful?

Reza Ghaemi: it is beautiful. And you just made my day by telling me that formula and I'm I'm a I'm happier all of a sudden.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: There you go.

Reza Ghaemi: that's crazy. is this something that you've thought about putting into the Apple Watch or the Apple store where we can kind of just monitor this? It's it's really it would be awesome.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: You know, I I'm great at my content, I'm not great on the technical stuff. So if someone can help me with the technical stuff, I I would love to do it because people need it and it's immediate, it's practical, it's powerful, and it has a huge impact.

Reza Ghaemi: I think it would be a great app because imagine we get a sleep score. Imagine we get a happiness score as well. And we just input a few of these numbers. This could be an app idea. whoever's listening, I hope they don't steal

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I'll write that I'll write that down.

Reza Ghaemi: your steal your idea, Neil. But well they can't because it's probably trademarked. Like the you you're known to have come up with this or

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Well, you know, if someone wants to steal it, I don't mind. As long as it gets to the people. It's not you know, we don't own anything in personal development. We we we share

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: whatever we share so that people can benefit. And if someone steals it, great. You know, maybe acknowledge me for it, but otherwise it's okay.

Reza Ghaemi: But you should definitely consider it after this episode. I would do it. Okay.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I've written it down. I've written it down.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. so so Anil, w this is a sort of a a relationship and you know, and dating and self improvement podcast. so your life reached an extremely dark point in two thousand eight. Can you tell us what was happening internally during that period and what ultimately helped you to move from hopelessness toward happiness and purpose?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah, it was November two thousand and eight. I'd lost everything in the stock market, real estate. And I was in a terrible state. I thought life would be better without me. So I was on the verge of doing something very silly. And then I I I I thought it might be time to tell my wife and she looked up at me and said, I knew something was wrong. I thought it was something serious. What are you talking about? She said, I you've been behaving strangely. I thought it was cancer. I thought you were dying. I don't care about the money. And Reza, when you have someone like that behind you, everything changed. I could just relax and say, you know what? I'm not such a failure. I've got two beautiful kids, a beautiful wife, and we'll make it work. And that's what people need. They need a partner. They need a support system that will help them elevate them when they need help.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. so so you you just I mean you were in a very dark place and then you just sort of shifted the perspective and listened to your wife and you were just remembered what's most important. It's not the money, it's not that stuff. 'Cause that stuff can just go for anybody.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Any time. And then I changed my identity from money to something else to love. And I also stopped using the US dollar. I started using the currency of love, friendship, comradery, making a difference, helping others, giving, growing, gratitude, gentleness, kindness. See, if we all started using that currency, we would all be billionaires and trillionaires. Then I started doing events. Five people, ten, twenty, fifty, hundred, five hundred, eventually ten thousand people. Because I was being so amazing I couldn't be ignored. It wasn't about ego, it's about serving other people. When you perform an act of kindness, you receive endorphins, you feel good. The person receiving the act of kindness feels good. The person observing the kindness feels good. The person sharing the kindness feels good. The person receiving the kindness Sharing of the kindness feels 'cause the person observing the sharing of the kindness feels good. So it ripples on forever. So remember, people will always remember how you made them feel.

Reza Ghaemi: Absolutely. It's like talk from love, not from how do I say it? What's the other one? if you have a speech or you know, you're talking to a at a conference, talk from a love perspective, you know, not from like completely the logical side, but from from love.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah, talk from load. And h here's an example. If if I if you were to squeeze an orange, what would come out?

Reza Ghaemi: Oranges.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah. So I I would ask this of all the audience. If someone squeezed you, what would come out? Is it anger? Is it frustration? Is it hurt? Is it forgiveness? Is it yeah, abandonment? What would come out? Just think about that for a moment. It's so profound.

Reza Ghaemi: And and it's funny you say that analogy because what comes to my mind, have you ever seen those annoying pranksters on Instagram and social media, like the the ones where doing what's called rage bait on people and trying to push their buttons? Like they'll you y you know what I'm talking about?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I I won't watch that stuff.

Reza Ghaemi: You don't watch that stuff. So the reason I'm you won't, you won't.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I won't watch that stuff. Because it's a it's a different energy. Why would I want to see people being hurt?

Reza Ghaemi: So here's here's why I wanted to bring that up is because that analogy you use about squeezing the orange, the way people react to to that type of behavior, I know it can be very cruel, but I've seen reactions that are both the you know on the other side of the spectrum. Like some g somebody could just laugh, somebody could get angry, somebody could act very violently. And frankly, if somebody were to prank me, I think my reaction would be laughter. So does that mean that if you're squeezing my juice, what does that mean about about my juice, and you'll

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Well it just tells me what l what your status quo is. You know, but you know we never know what people are going through. Someone could have just had an accident, they could have lost a child or ha you know lost a parent or something, and then if you get them at the wrong moment, you know, at that moment they might be angry, they may be hurt i in pain or suffering, but ostensibly You know, where do you spend ninety percent of your time? That's where the juice comes out.

Reza Ghaemi: Hmm. Interesting. Anil, you're intentionally known as the love doctor from your experiences working with singles, couples, families. you know, why do so many relationships fail and what are people getting wrong about love?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: this is gonna be a game changer, guys. The reason relationships fail is because people say yes to a relationship until they find out it's a no. They meet someone, they fall in love, and then think, this is it, he's the one, she's the one. But then they realize, that's not right. That's not right, that's not right, then they break up. But the secret is this. You say no to anyone else until it becomes a yes. So in in order to go from a no to a yes, you have to collect the data. People don't do that. And there are three things you have to look for in the data. Number one, do they have integrity? Do are they on time? Do they say what they're going to do that they're going to do? Do they gossip? Do they complain about other people? Do they say bad things about other people? Are they honest? The second thing they have to be loving, not just to you, but to everybody else. You know, if you squeeze them, are they Squeezing love. And the third one is they have to be healthy emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, and financially. They're the three filters that we have to put people through. Now, when you're dating, you show up the best version of you, they show up the best version of them. They just want to get onto the next date and the next date. So the intention is not pure. And I call it the dating facade. Whereas if you meet them On a Zoom call, you can get to know them, ask them questions, and never believe what they tell you. So for example, Reza, if if we're on a dating site and you ask the person, Do you like dogs? And they said, Yeah, I I like dogs. Then you ask them, What's your favourite dog? and they said, I don't have one, they're more than likely lying. If you ask them, How many dogs have you owned? and they said, I've never owned a dog, they're mostly likely lying. And if you ask them, hey, do you like dogs? They say, Anil, I love dogs. Can I show you a photo of my French poodle? my gosh. They're telling the truth. So, you know, I'm going through a divorce. What does that mean? Have you started? Are you thinking about it? Have you instructed lawyers? Are you near the completion? We have to collect the data because people will not always tell the truth. And you know, you don't want to be scammed. The decision you make about your relationship takes up the most time, the most energy, the most vitality. You want to make sure you get that right.

Reza Ghaemi: That was the that was incredible. so that's a lot though. It's a lot of stuff to work with, Anil. Like it it it almost seemed to me like what is that expression like the the perfect perfect what's the word I'm looking for? it's like it's like we're not perfect, right? We're all imperfect. So how do you how do you deal with that?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: So they don't all have to be tens. So

Reza Ghaemi: Okay.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: for example, hell, you you see someone ten pounds overweight and you say to yourself, That's okay, I can I'm I can live with that. That's not not a ten out of ten, maybe it's a nine out of ten. But if it if they're six hundred pounds overweight, you might want to reconsider. You don't have to say no, if if you're okay with it. So y you get to create your own life, you get to cu curate what you want. And what's comfortable for you?

Reza Ghaemi: And so those are your standards, essentially, I guess.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: It is your standards. Yeah. And this way it takes the away takes the emotion away, and then you can look at the person with the data objectively. And and the data is A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H. A is for always, B is for B, C is for collecting data. A B C D always B collecting data. E is for evaluate that data. F is to finalise that evaluation, G is to go get what you want, H is for hallelujah.

Reza Ghaemi: Neil, how long are you evaluating data for?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: It doesn't take long, maybe ten days. It doesn't

Reza Ghaemi: That's it.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: take long. But you have to be intentional. So let me give you an example. You know, we did the dogs. You could do the same, you know, what was your worst relationship? What was your best relationship? Why did you break up? What was wrong with the other person? If they if they r ramble on and say they're a terrible person, they're a horrible person, they were this, they were that, it just tells you that. Maybe there's not the entire truth being told. And if they say it about every relationship, it just gives you data. Maybe you're the one that they're gonna be complaining about next. How do they get on with their parents? do they have any children? How is the relationship with the ex? Is it still amicable or is it contentious? You know? Do they have a job? Are they able to support themselves? Or are they looking for a sugar daddy or a sugar mummy? These are important considerations.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, so if the overall score though is high, but there are certain low ones. Because I'm I'm very

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah, so

Reza Ghaemi: interested in this formula because and and by the way, I do want to also ask you what are some of the difference between men and women in terms of this formula? Because and this is gonna offend some people, I don't really care, but I

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Ha ha ha.

Reza Ghaemi: feel I feel that men are gonna be much more superficial in terms of the looks side of things. How hot is she? How Beautiful is she versus women are gonna be less that way. That's my opinion. I'm gonna stick with that. But what would you say about those differences? And also let's say your overall, this person has a high score, but there's some low ones, quite quite a significant low low ones.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah. So it's okay and women can do this too. It's okay for a man to say, I want someone who's a nine and nine and a half out of ten. He can say that as as many times as he wants, but is he gonna find that? And if he does, great. But then you have to evaluate the other side of it. How loving is she? How much attention does she want? Is it all about her? Is it is she egotistical? Is she concerned about How she look? Does she take three hours to get ready? You know, these are considerations. And is she healthy emotionally? Physically. You know, she might be very attractive, but is she physically healthy? Is she emotionally healthy? Is she loving? How does she treat waitresses and waiters? How does she treat other people? You've got to collect the data and then you make an informed choice. And the thing is, you know, if you pick someone who's very, very beautiful, wha what if their beauty fades? Will she change? Will he change? It's all about data. You collect the data and you say to yourself, without emotion, I've looked at everything and I think this one will work. And then you collect even more data. Continue that process.

Reza Ghaemi: I understand everything that you're saying, but the only thing that I kind of wanna press you a little bit on is the the timeline. You said maybe ten days you're doing this for, but I've had relationship coaches on this show who have mentioned that you need to vet a woman for fifteen to eighteen months.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: No. No, that's ridiculous. You you can collect the data as long as you speak on a regular basis and just keep on asking questions and and always preempt it, say, I hope you don't mind, but I ask a lot of questions. You know, for example, the the the the question about dogs that will take less than two minutes and you've got a lot of data. You can ask about their previous girlfriends, previous boyfriends, previous relationships. You you you need to know what their relationship like is with their mum, with their dad, with their brother, with their business partner. So you've got to g collect it all and then make an informed choice.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay. Okay. But there's no timeline that you're s you're stating on this

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: You you can take three months, six months. But the thing is if you start physically dating before you've collected the data, you show up differently, they show up differently. But on a Zoom call, there's no pressure. There's no drinking involved, there's no alcohol involved, there's no posturing.

Reza Ghaemi: I see. Anil, in terms of how soon folks should have sex when they're dating initially, what would you say? Is there are you saying that what you've gotta be set on this formula, on this the data before you have sex, or is that really relevant?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: See, sex shouldn't really be a a a criteria. Because if if the guy wants to have sex early on and he can't wait, is that the red flag? Does he have other women that he's chasing around? And what you're looking for is consistency and persistency. Is he interested in you or your body? You c you have to find that out.

Reza Ghaemi: It's it's not easy sometimes. That's why individuals make these kind of mistakes.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: It's not easy. I get that. That's why they need a mentor. They need someone to guide them and nurture them. I mean, I I I I have a of mostly women clients who are looking for an ideal partner, but I teach them, I hold their hand and say, Hey, you know, I was talking to a one of my clients the other day and it took me four minutes to tell her this guy's not good for you. And she said, How do you know? And then I explained to her, she said, you're so right. See I've done this every day and you know, for like thirty nearly thirty years. So I I can see things you can't see. I don't get emotional. It's very easy for people to get emotional. Then you don't see what there is to see. You don't notice what there is to notice.

Reza Ghaemi: So, Anil, we only have about six minutes left. let's say you go on a first date and you sleep with each other, right? Not because of any other reason than you just wanted to. You know, the girl was attracted to the guy, the guy was attracted to the girl, and and what's wrong with that?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Nothing wrong with it. It's not sustainable. See, how many times has that happened before? How much data have they collected? It's just physical. That's okay, as long as they're two consenting adults. But there there's no data collection, there's no getting to know them. It's just a a a a physical experience that they both enjoyed. What if one of them has an SDD? You don't know. Yeah,

Reza Ghaemi: that would be scary. Yeah.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: we don't know. What what if you know they have a a a girlfriend and what if they're married? What if A B they have something you know contagious? We don't know. I'm just saying that they haven't collected any data. It's it's it's very it's a visual attraction and it's a physical attraction, but you haven't collected the the the data to allow you to have a a long term relationship. And that's what we're looking at. I've been married thirty seven years, eleven months, twenty one days. My daughter married the first boyfriend using the same criteria. And it and it he'll never leave her, she'll never leave him. And it's just effortless and frictionless and people are missing out on having beautiful relationships.

Reza Ghaemi: this is great. Anil, you've developed the practical tools such as the happiness formula you talked about, the relationship ratio, which is what you just is that the one or is that something else?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: The relationship ratio is if you're in a relationship, how would you score your relationship with your partner? Ten is the very best and zero is the very worst. So then you say my relationship score with my wife or my girlfriend is six out of ten. Then I would coach them, guide them to raise it to a nine out of ten. Then I would coach them and and raise that to a twenty out of ten because their standards are here. I would raise their standards.

Reza Ghaemi: And the three way test? I hope that's not threesome.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I know where your mind's going, but the three way test is i integrity, loving and healthy.

Reza Ghaemi: Integrity loving and healthy.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: They're the three criteria that any partner must have.

Reza Ghaemi: You need a little double click on that? Maybe some but giving some examples.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: So integrity, d do they lie? Do they treat other people nicely? Do they have a history of deep seated therapy or trauma? Have they tried to hurt themselves? is there an ongoing issue with the previous ex? Are there children involved? Is there a custody battle? Is there you know, all of these things you you need to collect the data for because if you don't you're going to be stuck with it.

Reza Ghaemi: Boy. And and then you're not necessarily telling the listeners that an individual needs to be perfect and have that perfect right checklist. What you're saying is don't get surprised and then get disappointed.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah, and it's it's your checklist. It's your scores. If you're happy with a six or a seven, it's fine. You know, we're not looking for tens because there aren't any tens. No. Well. They may be transient tens.

Reza Ghaemi: There's no tens, right? I mean you're talking about tens on there maybe?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: There may be t a ten at that moment, but then it could dwindle. So what what you're looking for is a compatible partner that you think d collected all the data that you you could have a wonderful life with, an amicable life, a passionate life and a a loving life.

Reza Ghaemi: To the folks that are listening right now and they're single and they're just too picky and they want the perfectness of this of the all the things you discussed. The checklist has to be perfect. For example, they won't date somebody that has kids or they won't date somebody that has blah blah blah at you know, XYZ. What would you say to those people?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: See, if if you say to yourself, I I don't want to have a partner with kids, there's nothing wrong with that. But make the lists short. If you've got a list of sixty or seventy things, it's not gonna be something that y you you can perform on and I are you conforming to all those things. That's why I I I I I I dwindled it down to three things so that they can constantly and and be focused on that so that They don't have a big list. If you have a big list, there's always something that's not right.

Reza Ghaemi: And it was one more time, the three things?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Integrity, loving and healthy.

Reza Ghaemi: Integrity, loving, and healthy. Beautiful, beautiful. Anil Gupta, it's been such an honor to have you on the show. And if you can pull some strings for me to invite me to that resort with Richard Branson, that would be amazing.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I I can pull some strings, you just have to give me a a ton of money.

Reza Ghaemi: I'm sure. And just before we wrap up, you can you tell us about your book, where we can find it, and anything you can tell the audience about where they can reach you or how they can

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Sure.

Reza Ghaemi: reach you.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: the book I would recommend is called A Heart Map for the Happiness Formula. That's my fourth of the fifth books. That that's the one that will change your life completely. And if you want free content, go to my website, meet Anil dot com. And if you're single or in a relationship and there's some issues in that relationship and you want a fast fix, there's a way to reach me on on my website. So happy to serve.

Reza Ghaemi: Meet any of

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Meet at Anil dot com

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. And you're on Instagram as well?

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Yeah, Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, TikTok, all that stuff.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. And Neil, thank you so much for being here. It's been a real honor and pleasure to have you on the show.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: I I know Reza there's some things I said that go against everything else, but I'm very practical and that's the thing that we need. We need practical, we need proven and we need things that work. And all of this stuff I promise you work.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. thank you so much, Daniel.

Anil Gupta - THE LOVE DOCTOR: Thanks.