Respect, Resentment & Intimacy: What Makes Relationships Last

Reza Ghaemi: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Res Podcast, the show where we explore the ideas, habits, and conversations that help us grow, think differently, and live more intentionally. I'm your host, Reza Kaemi. Today we're talking about a marriage dynamic that can easily be dismissed as joking, teasing, or simply having a strong personality, but may actually be a form of contempt. I'm talking about situations where a wife repeatedly criticizes, mocks, corrects, or embarrasses her husband in front of friends, family members, or even their children. Sometimes it appears to be an attempt to establish dominance, control to the social environment, or show everyone who holds the power in the relationship. In psychology, this can be described as contemptuous communication, public belittling, relational show ⁓ relational aggression, or psychological aggression. Emasculation may describe how the husband experiences it, but the deeper issue is what repeated what repeated disrespect does to trust, attraction, confidence. And emotional safety within the marriage. Today I want to understand why this pattern develops, why some husbands tolerate it, how both partners may be contributing to the dynamic, and whether respect can be built rebuilt once contempt becomes normal. Today's guest is Cameron Alarecki. Hopefully, I said the your last name right, Cameron. Okay. As a Gottman certified marriage coach, host of the Married and Connected podcast and founder of The recognizing potential coaching program. Cameron helps couples strengthen their communication, resolve conflict, rebuild emotional connection, and re and begin approaching marriage as a team. She also brings personal experience with divorce, infidelity, reconciliation, and rebuilding a relationship after serious challenges. Cameron, welcome to the Res podcast.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Thanks. I'm really excited to be here. This is gonna be a really great cr conversation.

Reza Ghaemi: I'm looking forward to it and I'm very honored to have you on. ⁓ so let's get right into it. ⁓ why do some women some women criticize, mock, or embarrass their husbands in front of other people, especially when it appears intended to establish dominance. I see this all the time within my circle and with I'm not a married man. ⁓ and so far in my relationship, I don't dare to do such ⁓ sorry, I'm a I'm a man. What am I saying? We're talking about women here. But I wouldn't dare to do that to my girlfriend. And she doesn't really do that to me yet. So let's let's talk about this.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Yeah, so I'm really glad that you're bringing this up because I think this is one of the lesser spoken about topics that really needs to be addressed. although I will say Something that I see so I've been doing this for about nine years and I have coached hundreds of couples and ninety percent of the things that I coach on I actually did myself. That's what led to two divorces and then we ended up that my second husband and I ended up reconciling. But one of the things, one of the reasons that I would do it, it wasn't necessarily to establish dominance, it was to make myself feel better, or because I had so so much underlying resentment that it was It w it wasn't necessarily to like throw him under the bus, but it was a passive aggressive way of like, I don't feel good about myself, so I'm also going to make sure that you don't feel good about yourself either. And so it's it's a power move, not necessarily for dominance, but just to show like, hey, I'm not really happy about this situation and it needs to be fixed. Or else this is what's gonna happen.

Reza Ghaemi: Now this is a subconscious thing because you're obviously very self aware to to be s you know, d analyzing why you did it, but people do it not on intentionally, correct? It's subconscious.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: It is. Yeah. Yeah, this is all subconscious. And honestly, I didn't I had self-awareness, but I didn't honestly know that I was doing this and it was wrong because of because of a few reasons, and I'll tell you what I see. Most of the reasons that I did it were the same reasons that other women do it too. One, they set they saw their moms do it as we were growing up. We don't stop to think, okay, why am I choosing the religion that I'm choosing? Why am I a yeller? Why am I You know, why do I do the things that I do? And is this the person that I really want to be? That's first. We're just repeating generational patterns that we saw growing up, which is where our subconscious comes from. Our subconscious is developed between birth to seven years old. And so everything we're seeing our parents do, we're most likely gonna emulate. All right. So that's first. Secondly, also self-worth. When you criticize yourself, and that's your self-talk, you're gonna criticize other people. When you're judging yourself, you're gonna judge other people. So it starts with you. And a lot of women aren't willing to see that. So that passive aggressive tone is something is it's a way that we communicate, but also that's not healthy and it's not okay. It's just that's what it is, it's a way that to communicate to s instead of coming right out and saying, Hey, we need we've got some things that we need to address before we hang out with friends, go to your family. Blah blah blah, whatever it is, because I'm I have built-up resentment that I need to get out, right? And then the third thing is that it's almost to it's a self-deprecation, right? So like when we talk bad about ourselves, it's to make everybody else laugh, and we think it's funny, but not everybody's laughing, and therefore it's not funny. And that's not something again that we think about or that that is talked about enough.

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now, what is the impact here? Like how big of a deal is it to ruining the can I swear? I mean, it's my podcast, but whatever. How gay? I was born in Utah and so yeah, I'm very conscious to that. ⁓ is it a what is the impact and ⁓ like in your experience?

Kameran | Marriage Coach: I mean i yeah, I'm fine with it, but if i it's your podcast, you can do what you want.

Reza Ghaemi: How big of an impact does this have on really ruining the fucking marriage? You know what I'm saying? Okay. Okay.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: It it's huge. It's everything. It's everything. Here's why. So my my certification comes from the the Gottman Institute. So if you're not familiar with the Gottmans, ⁓ John and Julie Gottman are like the highest Ranking relationship ⁓ researchers in the world. Okay. And they've, I mean, they've been researching relationships for 40 to 50 years. They they're married, Julie's a therapist, John is a researcher, and what they've come up with is the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Okay. So, in order from least detrimental to your relationship to greatest detriment to your relationship, we're talking criticism is the first one. Okay. Now, if you have any of these, you have an 80% chance of. Getting a divorce automatically or breaking up, all right? But from least to greatest, we're talking criticism is the first one. This is where men shut down because men are not criticized. Women criticized all the time. A man can dress a child and send it to daycare, mismatched clothes, hair is not done, and it's like, ⁓ daddy did such a good job trying. A woman does that, and it's like, is your mom a meth head? What is happening right now? Right, so it's a completely different standard. So women, never skinny enough, too many wrinkles, too many you know what I mean? A man, ⁓ my gosh, wrinkles? Wow, you look so good with that. Like that just you know what I mean? Like completely different standard. Okay. So criticism is where men shut down. And that's what women do. We've been criticized. We criticize ourselves, we're criticizing you, right? Not to say that men don't criticize, but here's where women shut down, okay? And that's contempt.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah. Mm.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Both sides of the street do it. But this is where this is where women shut down and men shut down is contempt. If you have contempt in your relationship, you are inadvertently saying, I'm better than you. I make more money. I'm smarter. I'm a better parent. I'm a better cook. I clean better than you. Whatever the case may be, any type of contempt that you have. Is going to absolutely wreck your marriage. And honestly, in my own practice, what I what I have seen is that contempt is the hardest to overcome and come back from. And that's what we're talking about right now. Now, to go on and talk about the other two horsemen of the apocalypse, defensiveness. Defensiveness is the third one. So if you always get defensive when your partner comes to you, or if you even frequently get defensive, you're protecting your ego more than you're protecting the connection. So when you're defensive, I can't talk to you. I cannot tell you anything. I can't share my feelings. I can't share my perspective because all you're gonna do is defend your ego. Okay. Fourth one is stonewalling. This is where you emotionally andor physically shut down anytime there's conflict. This is the silent treatment. It's just like, I'm out, can't do this, I'm done, and you don't ever come back to the conversation.

Reza Ghaemi: ⁓ silently.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: All of these are such toxic traits to have in a relationship, but what we're talking about here with the passive-aggressive comments and the, you know, throwing you under the bus all the time, that's contemptuous.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, okay. So ⁓ the the for the folks that are listening to this right now, ⁓ and their marriage, knock on wood, has not fallen apart. You you gave me a high number, eighty percent chance. How how how does this ev how does this happen over the years? And like, are we talking about the guy starts to cheat? What what ends up happening? So it has nothing to do with cheating necessarily.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Eighty percent chance. Yep. Not necessarily. No. Nope. Has well, I mean, it it could, but most of the time cheating is a byproduct of these things. So the cheating happens because of the here's the thing. Cheating is a symptom of your relationship. It's not the relationship itself.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay. It is. Okay. Mm.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: We say that like divorce, divorce doesn't happen by one big event, usually. It's death by a thousand paper cuts. Okay. The paper cuts that lead to the cheating. Now, not to say that it's the other person's fault or you know, anything like that, but people who have really great relationships, unless you are just completely blindsided and like there is a mask that you don't see, cheating doesn't happen. Okay. But the

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Cheating comes from One person completely bypassing their own integrity, their own morals, and their own standards in order to cope with something that's within them that is not being met, not being fulfilled, etc. Okay. So there's it's a symptom of the relationship. The relationship has a lot of problems before that. So how does it happen to answer your original question? How it happens is that it leads up to that.

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: So again, we saw our parents do these things. We saw our parents do the silent treatment instead of actually repairing any kind of conflict. We it happens because of expectations that are unspoken. Anytime an expectation is there, it's a premeditated resentment. Anytime. Okay. So you want me to say that again? Yeah. Anytime you have expectations, it's a pre-meditated resentment. So for example,

Reza Ghaemi: Wait, wait, expectation? What do you mean by expectation?

Kameran | Marriage Coach: We're gonna use you and your girlfriend for an example. Your girlfriend comes in and she says something to you and you respond. She doesn't like your response because that's not how she would have responded. Okay. So she's unlike the unspoken expectation is you have to respond the same way I would. Or you ⁓ I need you to act a certain way in public because that's what I was taught was correct. Okay, these are expectations of our partner. I expect you, okay, here's one. See this all the time, especially with chores or parenting or something like that. Sounds like this. Hey, will you take the trash out? You're expecting your partner to move, especially if you are with like a firstborn daughter. She she's already been thinking about this three business days ago and wanted you to do it then. But sh so when she asks you, you've got like 0.0001 seconds to get it done before she's like, never mind, I'll just do it myself. Right? These are also toxic traits. So these unspoken expectations are when I ask you to do something, I need you to do it. Now, because if I wanted you to do it in five minutes, I'd ask you to do it in five minutes. That's where the resentment starts to build. But you don't know. What if your partner is doing an email? What if he's, you know, looking for something specific? What if he's busy? What if he's doing something? So you're asking them to do something that you're not communicating. Now, here's how you remedy that. Hey, babe. The trash has raw chicken in it, and ⁓ I set it by the door. Is there any way that you could take that out in the morning on your way out the door? It's also trash day tomorrow. Now we have a specific thing to do, a time to get it done, okay, and a reason to get it done. So communicate more, communicate better.

Reza Ghaemi: Social skills, if everybody had those skills, the world would be a better place, ⁓ Cameron. Because the way you just phrase that, that's that sounds like not everybody could just pull that off, like in that communication in that kind of a way. ⁓ but to be f yeah. It absolutely. ⁓ so to be fair to some of the women watching this and maybe say, do some men deserve

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Social skills. Yes. I mean ideally. Yep. And this is why I teach this because it is so important.

Reza Ghaemi: This type of treatment. And sorry to lack empathy for the men that are listening, but when I say do some men deserve it, because when I notice, as an example, anecdotally, let's say ⁓ the man, you know, we always hear this. Like the man, he just doesn't like help. For example, he's just all over the place. All he thinks about is his job. Or you know what I mean? Like, do some men just deserve to be yelled at a little bit? I don't know. What's your take?

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Well, okay, so here's the thing about men, all right, and this is what's really interesting about men, is that just like women, we're we're all the same, right? So like just the way that women are replicating what their moms did when they were growing up with their with their dads or with their whatever. What's happening is that men are also replicating. And here's the deal: is that men actually work on a chemical called vasopressin. Vasopressin needs stress in order for it to click and you to be moving. So think about this. Sports. Most men, not all, but most played sports growing up. What happens on a sports field? You're always being yelled at in order to be better. So it's that it's that need, like you're not listening to your wife until she's yelling at you. That's a lack of leadership. When you're leading, you're also listening, not hearing, those are different. You can hear the words that are coming out of her mouth that say, God, you're always on your phone. But listening hears. okay. She's saying she misses me. She's saying she wants to connect with me. So just like women need to work on tongue, tone, and timing, men need to work on their leadership skills because when men are listening and leading, so women, if you're listening to this, three T's, tongue-tone timing. Men, two L's listening, so hearing, not hearing her tone. Boys hear tone. Men hear message underneath the tone. Okay? So men are listening and leading. If a man is truly leading a woman, she will be more feminine. She will be softer. She will be ⁓ She will be able to communicate better. That resentment won't be building up the way that it is when she's passive aggressive and being contemptuous and rude. Okay, that you won't have that. You won't have the criticism. It will be healthier because that polarity will be there. She won't feel like she has to be leading and being in her masculine because you're in your wound wounded feminine.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay. Now my next thing is like, is it is it that ⁓ is it possible for some women to ⁓ allow their men to be to leading them more? If okay, what am I trying to say? Like as an example, you probably can tell I'm not the most alpha macho type of man out there. I don't I don't consider yeah, I don't consider myself. But what I'm what I'm trying to articulate is my girlfriend

Kameran | Marriage Coach: You don't have to be.

Reza Ghaemi: She allows me to lead her. She allows me to feel masculine and she she creates space for that. So is that a thing? Is that something that women can do? Okay.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Mm. Yep. Yes. Absolutely. It's a thing. Absolutely. You don't have to be like Jim Bro testosteroned out, like you know, driving a monster truck or something like that. No, no, no, no, no. Leading is making decisions. Instead of being like, well, whatever you want.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Well, just whatever you want. Because then that puts the emotional and the mental load back on her. Leading is, hey, I've got this. I'm gonna take care of this X, Y, and Z. I'm going, hey, how can I show up for you today? How can I pray for you? How can I ⁓ what can I take off of your plate? It's it's that kind of thing. It's words and actions. This is a big thing that's missing right now in men. Words and actions matching. If you say you're gonna do something freaking do it don't just d you know don't talk about it be about it so that kind of thing that is leading

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's not that as you s as you pointed out, it's it's ⁓ we often mischaracterize what masculinity even is. ⁓ right. ⁓

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Absolutely. You can have the most alpha male in the world on the outside and him be the worst leader in the world at home. And in fact, there's a lot of like so pilots, first responders and military actually statistically have the least amount of empathy of any of the industries. Because and okay, so like I'm married to a pilot, so I can say this.

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. Sorry, you broke up on my end. Can you repeat that? Pilots military and then you pause the yeah.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Okay. Pilots well, actually the pause was I had to think of the other one. So pilots, military, and first responders have the least amount of empathy of any industry. Okay. Which is which yes, because which is great, like if my husband's in the cockpit and he's going through a lit a checklist and the engine blows, I don't

Reza Ghaemi: James. Pilots. Okay. Mm.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Need him sitting there being like, ⁓ my god, the passenger in 32A must be so scared. No, no, no, no. I need you to go through that checklist and get it done. But here's the deal: when you leave the job site, I need you to flip the switch to where when you come home, you don't see, holy shit, the house is a disaster. You see, wow, ⁓ you've had a hard week. Let me jump in and help you. You see what I'm saying? Like there's an empathy there. So what makes them really, really great at their jobs usually makes them really crappy spouses, unfortunately. And that's where I come in. I everything that I'm telling everybody right now, this is where like there's such a stigma around getting help for your relationship, even if you're not married. Like anything that your partner is triggering you on.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah. Yeah.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: is an opportunity for you to hold up the mirror and be like, okay, this is where I need to need a little bit of work. And that's where I come in. It doesn't mean I'm better than you, it means I've made a lot more mistakes than you. That's all that means.

Reza Ghaemi: ⁓ okay, okay. What what's ⁓ what's one thing that somebody that's listening to this and they feel like ⁓ their in their marriage, ⁓ like the the dynamic has really been this thing that we're talking about where like the woman is constantly yelling at him and emasculating him. ⁓ ultimately, like can you offer some solutions ⁓ and also tell the listeners that what a risk that is to the marriage and Just one more time because it's I just want everybody to really stop this behavior as as it's so risky. You said eighty percent ⁓ risk of of divorce. So what can they do if that dynamic has just been there for so many years? Like how can you just change it all of a sudden, if that makes sense? Right? Like when

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Yeah, so this is this is really hard. But here's the thing is on either side, right? If if one of if the wife is emasculating the husband, if the husband's critical of the wife, either way, whoever feels the lack of safety in their marriage, whether it's emotional, financial, mental, physical, whatever, you have to have the hard conversations. We have this. Misconception that marriage is supposed to be happy all the time, that you're never supposed to have these lows. You gotta think of your marriage like the heart rate monitor at the hospital. Okay, you're gonna have highs, you're gonna have lows. If you have this all the time where there's no highs and no lows, or it's only highs, you got a heart problem. Which means if you're constantly like flatlined, you're dead.

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. Interesting. ⁓

Kameran | Marriage Coach: And your marriage is no different. So when there's a low like that, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Now, if you leave it alone and you just let it keep going, it's absolutely gonna be the death of you, and then your relationship is gonna flatline. But here is what I will tell you is that when the person who is being offended or abused or what have you You have to go to the other person and say, hey, I feel when. Now you can't say, I feel like you're an asshole. That's not a feeling word, okay? I feel emasculated. I feel disrespected. I feel like give a feeling word there. When, and give a scenario. I feel really disrespected when we're out with people. And you throw me under the bus by saying and give examples, give specific examples. Because it makes me feel like you're being contemptuous, or it makes me feel like I don't have value to you. I need for you to stop doing that. I need for you to get help. I need for you to learn how you're doing this. I need for us to get help, whatever the case may be. Your partner. should only have to say this one time. One time they come to you and they have this hard conversation. After that, if they continue to do it, a boundary has to have a consequence. Okay? So if you have said a boundary is like a fence around your yard. You decide what comes in and out of your yard. Okay? I need this. Well ⁓

Reza Ghaemi: Well, in in the US you do, not in Canada. Sorry, L just making a joke. Okay. Go ahead. Yeah.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: So when you have that fence and you have that boundary put up, it's not about the other person. It's about you. What are you going to do in that situation? So I'm not going to continue to be disrespected like this. I'm not going to be in a relationship where I'm not treated with value. I'm not going to be in a relationship where they feel where my partner feels like they're better than me. So when that happens again, you have to act on the boundary that you set.

Reza Ghaemi: ⁓ boy, that's scary though, ⁓ Cameron.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: You know what? It is. It's terrifying. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. What's more terrifying? Staying where you're disrespected and disvalued or and knowing your worth and attracting someone that does value you.

Reza Ghaemi: Man, that's a tough question, Cameron, because if yeah, l well that's another episode. But ⁓ because the yeah, like in my you know, I don't know, like if you have kids, you know, it's a very basic observation, but Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Here's the thing though. It goes back to that vasopressin for men and it goes back to oxytocin for women. Oxytocin need or women need that oxytocin, that bonding hormone. Here's the thing. A lot of times we don't make true change until we're kicked in the face with a golf shoe. And sometimes it doesn't mean you need to divorce, but you do need to separate until they have fixed that problem. And and I will guarantee you, I will guarantee you, if they have an issue in the marriage, you also have an issue. Whether it's lack of self-worth, also being critical.

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: I mean, there are things that everyone can work on. Even me. It d I'm still working on stuff. I still have a coach. I still you know what mean? So we have to that's the whole point of marriage is to better yourself all the time, to be growing together. The happiness is a byproduct of that growth.

Reza Ghaemi: Beautiful. ⁓ just a few more minutes that we have. ⁓ I wanted to close this this ⁓ conversation ⁓ by by talking to you about sexual health and the importance of that in a marriage because I've never been married before and I fear that if one day I do become married, everybody tells me, the sex is not good anymore. So how truthful is that? Because you know what I mean? Is that a thing?

Kameran | Marriage Coach: That's not true. Yeah. It well it is for some. And here's why. Okay. So, great American pastime, baseball, right? So I have this analogy that I've come up with that if you follow

Reza Ghaemi: Okay. Okay.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: This analogy, and you run the basis correctly, you will have even better sex than you did with when you were dating. Here's why. Okay. Yes. We are born looking for deep intimate connection. Okay. This is what we're looking for when we have one night stands. We are looking to be known, to be seen, to be heard, to be valued, right? That is emotional intimacy. That's third base.

Reza Ghaemi: No way. Okay.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Here's what has to come first. Okay. This is why we have one night stands. We wake up, we come back home the next morning, and we're like, what the crap? That that was nothing like what I was hoping. Again, there's expectations that weren't spoken that are now premeditated resentments. Okay. So these resentments come from the fact that when you are in a relationship with somebody, you're you're constantly batting and pitching to each other. All right. You're just practicing baseball in the front yard all the time. Whenever they come to you and they're talking to you. They're pitching, you're batting. So let's say your partner comes to you and it can be they can be saying anything. How was your day? Hey, I saw a bird outside. There was a really cool fish in the pond on my walk today. ⁓ hey, we need butter at the store, anything like that. Anytime they're coming to talk to you, they're bidding for your connection. You have to turn towards them at least 86% of the time. If not, you fall off. That's where the the disconnection starts to happen. Okay. So here's how that sounds. If you're Turning away from them, they say something to you, you ignore them, or it's like, okay, there's nowhere for that conversation to go, right? Instead, we're gonna turn towards them, we're gonna actually hit the ball, and we're gonna say something like, ⁓ what kind of a bird was it? ⁓ would you like me to write that on the grocery list, or would you like me to just pick that up on my way home tomorrow? Something like that. Okay, so there's a there's a dialogue there. Then you get to run to f to first base. If you miss any of these, you strike out, you go back to the dugout, and you have to wait for them to come talk to you again. Okay. So, and and the more you strike out, the longer and longer you're gonna have to wait between times of them coming to talk to you. So first base is safety. Emotional, physical, mental, all of that. We kind of talked about that a little bit earlier. Can your partner be who they are no matter what? And they're not made fun of, dismissed, minimized, any of that used against them later. Any of that. Okay. Let's say you master safety. Emotional. They can talk to you about literally anything in the world and no negative side effects. Okay. So let's say they've got that. They run to then you guys run to second base. Men connect through shared activities. Okay. So doing things. This is why you see the 80 year old in the in the yard that's like, Well, you want to go for a Sunday drive with me? Not really. I 17 things to do, but like okay, here we go. So so they'll go. All right. So men connect through shared activities. Women connect through open-ended conversation. What are your goals? What are you stressed about? What's your favorite kind of ice cream? What's your favorite memory from when you were child? Why do you like the Hallmark movie that has the exact same plot as 32 other Hallmark movies? The characters are just different. What is appealing to you about this, right? These are open-ended conversations. That's connection. Once you've mastered connection, that's when you go to emotional intimacy. And this is where relationships get deep. And this is also the scary part because you're in emotional intimacy, when you have it, you know that your partner always has your back. You know that no matter what, they're not leaving. They're with you in the fight of life. It's you and them versus the world, not you versus them versus the world. But here's the kicker. In order to have that, you have to be, you want to be fully loved, right? But in order to be fully loved, you have to be fully known. In order to be fully known, you have to be vulnerable. And you also have to show humility instead of making fun of them for making mistakes. You give them the same grace and mercy that they give you. And that's where we screw up. So instead, sex is transactional. It's selfish. It's you know fine, I'll do it, but like I'm still thinking about the 17 loads of laundry and the six loads of dishes that need to be done. I'm worried about the kid that might come through the door. I'm worried about work tomorrow. You see what I'm saying? I can't get out of my head. In order to really revel in you. Now, if you master the emotional intimacy, that is where we're talking best sex you ever had, fireworks, mind-blowing interaction, nearly every single time. So, yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: Hundred percent. I I agree because so so there's no there's no like scientific or physiological ⁓ phenomenon about like ⁓ sex becoming worse. It's nothing there's no evidence you're saying it's based on the everything you just mentioned, which is the the lack of connection and all that stuff. Okay.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Mindsets. It's mindsets and it's it's the socio it's the social dynamics that we just accept that it's like, well, that's just that's just marriage. So no, your sex in marriage is only terrible or monotonous or vanilla if you let it be. If if you don't want it to be that way, make a change. Learn how to do it differently.

Reza Ghaemi: And and then one last if you have a statistic for this, what percentage or or what what is the the so the lack of sex in a marriage, ⁓ how important is that to the marriage falling apart? Basically is what I'm asking. Huge.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Hutch. It's huge. I don't have like a s a number for you, but what I can tell you is we're like this is how you connect, especially for men. Men connect and and and gain 80% of the emotional intimacy outside of the bedroom, but that other 20% is a massive part. And those aren't exact statistics, but like pretty close, right? For women, we have to have a hundred percent of emotional intimacy before we can open up to receive you as a man. So, and this is where we get that that's the selfishness that I that I was mentioning is like either the act itself is is selfish because one person's getting off and the other person isn't or it's just ⁓ we it's a lack of understanding all of it is a lack of understanding a lack of understanding yourself a lack of understanding your partner is a fundamental difference between men and women And and of course we're using heteronormative language here, but all of that i it it's it's huge to your marriage. If you're in a sexless marriage, your marriage is dying quickly.

Reza Ghaemi: I agree. Even though I've never been married, but it's gotta be true. ⁓ Cameron, where can people find you? and all that stuff. Your social media, your website, if you can share those links. I

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Absolutely. My website is www.recognizing potential dot com excuse me. Thank you. My website is www.recognizing potential dot com

Reza Ghaemi: Bless you.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: My socials, I'm on pretty much all the platforms. Some of them I'm a lot more active on than than others. I'm I'm usually on Instagram. ⁓ and that's at married dot and dot connected. Most everything I can be found on under Married and Connected. ⁓ and then my podcast is it drops every Monday and that's ⁓ Married and Connected on all platforms as well. Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. Thank you so much for being here. And I hope you come back ⁓ for other topics. ⁓ I'd love to have you on again because there's so much to talk about in a marriage. Today we just touched on one aspect, ⁓ right. And so ⁓ yeah. So ⁓ thank you so much again. I'm gonna stop the recording.

Kameran | Marriage Coach: Absolutely.