Emotional Magnetism: How to Communicate So People Actually Understand You

Reza Ghaemi: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Res Podcast, a show where we explore ideas, habits, and conversations that help us grow, think differently, and live more intentionally. I'm your host, Reza Gayemi. Today we're talking about communication, emotional intelligence, and why some highly successful people can command a boardroom but struggle to express what they need in their closest relationships. Most relationship problems are not caused by a complete lack of love. They often begin when people feel misunderstood, ignored, unsafe, or unable to communicate. What is happening beneath the surface? So, how do we stop expecting our partners to read our minds? How do we communicate our emotional needs without surrounding sounding demanding? And how do we remain calm and connected when a conversation becomes unf uncomfortable? Today's guest is Sandy Gerber, a communication coach, emotional intelligence trainer, TEDx speaker, and the best-selling author of Emotional Magnetism, a book that has received 24 international awards. Sandy helps people understand. What drives them emotionally, communicate more clearly, and create stronger connections at work, at home, and in their relationship. Sandy, welcome to the Res Podcast.

Sandy Gerber: Well, thanks for having me, Reza. I'm excited for our conversation.

Reza Ghaemi: Likewise, thank you so much for being here. I wanted to just first get into this topic that I kind of introduced right now, which is there people are just so good at their job at work. Like the guy is a leader at a big giant tech company, right? so clearly he he knows how to communicate. But then why is it that with his wife he doesn't? First of all let's let's get right into that.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah. Okay, for sure. Well, I can talk about this because I was that person, right? So I actually most of us haven't been trained in formal communication skills. We've learned to communicate by failing at it, right? So when you look at our professional life and our personal life, we talk differently in those worlds. And so what happened for me, for example, was I was looking successful. I had the awards, the clients, the team. I was killing it from nine to five. But I had a failed marriage. I was burnt out. I haven't seen my friends in weeks, you know. So that communication incongruency was what fueled my whole passion to start learning about this stuff and understand what's going on. The pattern was me, right? Like I it's not, it's not something that just happens one day. We actually start drifting in our relationships because we choose different types of communication. So people who are professional, the heads of techs, the head of their leaders, you know, the leaders in the world, they're high achievers. These are people that are are setting a goal and nailing it. But in our personal relationships, we don't actually do it that way, right? We don't set a goal and actually charge ahead to accomplish that. We have a long term relationship. We have regularity, right? Things like that that we're not used to having in communication. So we start to drift, we stop doing what we want to do in communication unless we have tools. And that's my passion, help people to make s communication more simple.

Reza Ghaemi: Let's go a little bit more micro. so like do successful people sometimes treat their relationships like problem to manage instead of connections to experience?

Sandy Gerber: I think so. I mean, I know I know from my personal experience, and I I was an executive for a long time too. So the thing is you have twenty-four hours in the day and of that you've gotta look at it and go, Who do I wanna spend time with? And when you're running a business, our passion goes towards that business, right? So what's left is the the person that's sitting there that has to deal with the the residue of it all, right? Like you're you're not feeling like talking to someone after you've been doing all this stuff during the day. So we've gotta put some things in practice. to regulate ourselves so that we can separate professional from personal and dedicate that time with the people that we love. Right. So this is this is the hardest thing we have to do is we have to look at how we're communicating with the people that we love and lead and start being a little more responsible about how we're showing up.

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. you talk about emotional magnetism, right? Can can you tell us what what you mean by that? And

Sandy Gerber: Yeah, for sure. So that episode of me kind of realizing, I'm I'm like a fraud. I'm professionally, I'm successful, personally, I'm not. That set me on my path. And in that path, it was a decade of studying communication. I found this research from the 60s. And this research was so cool. It was like an Amazon spiral one night. I ended up on this book. And I found that in the 60s, they they did this research on emotional motivation. What motivates people to listen and act? Like what's fueling communication? As soon as I read it, it made sense to me and everything started to fall into place on why I made the choices I have in my life. So I started telling people about it, just like when we do, we hear something cool, we want to share it. So I started telling them, and it was really clumsy the way I was trying to explain it. So I simplified it. I called them four emotional magnets. The acronym is SAVE, SAVE, because it literally saved my life. I started using these four magnets, and I'll tell them, I'll tell you what they are in a sec. I started using them in my business. I grew my business from the bedroom to a top 100 fastest growing company by using these magnets. And what it is, is you're understanding who you're talking to, what they need, and you're crafting your message to their magnet. That's what magnetizes their attention. So it's not manipulation, it's actually understanding what someone emotionally needs in your life, professionally and personally, and connecting with them. I did so well with that in my professional life, I thought, hey, maybe I'll try this in dating. You know, I was a single mom for 10 years. I'm like was so sick of the dating scene. So on my first date with my now hot husband of 12 years, I asked him, you know, here are four magnets, which ones are yours? What do you emotionally need to be happy in your life? And he told me, and we've been honoring that ever since for 12 years. So the thing about these emotional magnets is it's just stuff we didn't know about ourselves. And now we can Understand why we're making these choices, share it with the people in our lives, people that we love and that we lead. I did it with all my teams and you become a better leader, a better parent, better partner.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, that's beautiful. and I'm very happy to hear to hear that. so in terms of like you talked about the first date, how soon should people be doing this and like how do you do this without it being like an interview, if if that makes sense?

Sandy Gerber: Yeah, yeah. Well, it already is kind of like an interview when you go on a date, right? You've got your list and you want to check everything off, right? You're already going through that in your head. I just kind of got exhausted by that all and I thought, you know what, let's just cut to the chase. What is it that you actually need to be happy in your life? And it's just so freeing to finally have that conversation with someone, right? To actually just say, what do you feel? What do you need? instead of all the crap that we usually go through for a few dates. So asked him, you know, I said, look, I'm driven. There's four safety, achievement, value, and experience. And I said to him, you know, I'm driven by achievement and experience. So this is what you're signing up for, buddy. Like I'm driven, right? I'm gonna have an experience in life. You know, I want new. I want exciting. This is who you get. And he was like, well, I think I'm safety and I'm value. And I'm like, they're completely opposite. But that gave us a starting point to say, well, explain to me why you're safety. Explain to me why you're value. What does that mean? How does that show up in your career choice? How does that show up in your choices in your personal life? And it opened up all this dialogue that we normally don't have. It's okay to have that. You have to take the step. The thing I tell people to do in personal or professional relationships is be curious. Ask a question. It's not gonna kill you. And if you do that, it's the easiest way to create a connected conversation, right? Some of my best People in my life have come from being total strangers and me asking a kind of crazy question, you know? So it's the best thing you can do is just use your curiosity and then from that start sharing what you actually need. Once you do that, it's completely freeing. You're like, this is who I am, this is what I need. And I'm not talking about I need a car and I need an income and I need this. I'm talking about emotionally. Do you need safety, structure, security, predictability? Do you need achievement? Your hitting goals, your You're nailing things, you're you're moving ahead as an innovator. Do you need value like worth, growth, significance, return on your investment? Or do you need experience, you know, creativity, curiosity, innovation, new things? So those four people are really different people, right? Like I have three siblings. We're all different magnets. And once you understand what that is for yourself, it gives you permission to be you. Finally gives you permission to be you. And then You share it with the people in your life and they're going, now I know why you do what you do. You know, they have a name for it. Instead of workaholic, you're driven by achievement. Instead of boring, you're driven by safety. You know, instead of cheap, you're driven by value. You know, so it just goes, it makes things so much simpler, so clearer. I'll give you one one story quickly about how you can see this in little arguments we have in our relationships. So my husband came home, we we ordered dinner in late. I opened up the app and I'm scrolling through. And I'm thinking, okay, he's got the safety emotional magnet. So he always orders the same thing, Reza. Like he never orders anything new. So I'm looking for something I know he likes. So I'm scanning through it. Like, okay, freshy. Freshy burritos. He loves them. So I say to him, Love, how about freshy burritos for dinner? And he's like, Mm, no, I can't do that. It's only three blocks away. And I was like, What? And then I realized value, his other emotional magnet is value. He cannot justify home delivery that's only three blocks away. So, you know, most of us would kind of bicker about this stuff. I just looked at him and smiled. I get him. I know what he's about. And I said to him, So, okay, your value, your safety, I get it. How far does it have to be for it to be delivered to our house, right? And he's like five blocks. So I just scrolled down further. I found a place that was six blocks away. He's happy because he's got the value emotional magnet addressed. And I'm happy because it's a new restaurant experience. So these are the things that happen in our life and

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah.

Sandy Gerber: while we're dating and while we're leading people. As a leader, knowing what your team member's emotional magnet is is a game changer. You can be a better leader that way. You know, you know what they actually need at the work to be happy. so it's really, really so cool.

Reza Ghaemi: I think I I definitely need to to get your book because this is stuff

Sandy Gerber: Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: that I struggle with like at work. Like I in my

Sandy Gerber: Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: I not so much with my like romantic relationship, knock on wood, like, but at work, this is what I struggle with. Like at my I have a daytime job. and so yeah, the would would your book help me with that? Like it's not just about

Sandy Gerber: Yeah, well tell me what you're struggling with. Like what is it when you say you're struggling? What is it you're struggling with?

Reza Ghaemi: I would say just communicating communicating in general with

Sandy Gerber: Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: my with my boss and like for example not being or constantly being afraid to be myself and maybe to understand his emotional blue blueprint or mag magnet

Sandy Gerber: Magnet. Yeah. Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: right.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah. Like you once you get the book, you can kind of already see, this person is driven by achievement. This person is driven by this. And then what you do is you start crafting your message. So the next time you want to ask for something, you start thinking, not what do I say, what does he need to hear or she need to hear? So you're thinking, Okay, to get this person's attention, they need to understand how this is going to tie to their magnet. So it's just like sales, how I grew my business so quickly was I would meet with someone, they'd say they needed something, and I'd hit listen for the magnet, and then I'd craft the message. So you would turn to your boss and say, let's say you have a new idea and they're driven by achievement. You'd say, you know what, I think this could really position us for to beat the competition. Now they're listening, right? Because they're achievement driven. So it's really about looking at the messages. I don't know who your boss is, but I'm thinking. Like i and we probably don't want to get into all that detail here, but I think the thing is,

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah.

Sandy Gerber: but if you even if it's a family member, like you know, I have this family member who has tons of money and and I said to them, like, we go shopping, and before I found out about the magnets, they would be like, I don't know, it's a little expensive. And I'd be like, What? Like you have so much money, right? But the thing is they're driven by value. So they have to get a deal, right? They have to. So

Reza Ghaemi: Mm.

Sandy Gerber: we used to in the past call them cheap or stingy or you know, ridiculous. But now we understand it's just value, right? So you kinda have this empathy for these people now. You know what's driving them and you can get over that and actually just communicate, right? To connect to them. So it's really freeing. It's really quite cool.

Reza Ghaemi: But Sandy, you make it seem so easy. I I feel like you're you're a natural and you're good at it, but

Sandy Gerber: It is easy.

Reza Ghaemi: like to people that can't think on their feet, for example, so witty and so quickly to be able to to really communicate, what do you what do you recommend for those folks? Like I mean

Sandy Gerber: Here's the thing, we don't we don't think on our feet. We're constantly thinking, right? We're constantly rehearsing what we're gonna say, right? And every single thing we create in our life starts in our thoughts, right? So that's where we need to start. You don't just wake up and become confident, right? And you don't just wake up and become a leader. You have to start, think of it like three stages. One is you're aware. You're aware of what's going on in your head before you say anything. And there's tools you can use to help you with that. The second is you learn how to express yourself in a way that people hear you and that you're hearing what other people are saying. And then the third is you engage with people, you connect with them. So ask yourself, where am I on the steps, right? Like am I in step one? Do I need to work on step two? Do I need to work on step three? Because we tend to just think, I'm just a terrible communicator. Well, you know what? Maybe you just haven't had the tools, you haven't had the skills. So first start with yourself. The conversation you are having with yourself. Is the conversation you're having with everyone else. You have to get clear on that. Whatever you're saying to yourself is coming out in your nonverbal communication, your body language, it's coming out in you know, you rehearsing or try or being scared to say what you really feel. All of that's coming out, anyways. So first start working on yourself. And there's ways to do that. You gotta regulate yourself. Like, you know, early in my career. I was in a boardroom and I was asked to present to the board and I was nervous. It was one of those like, mom, I'm presenting to the board's moments, right? And basically I started talking and they came in and the CFO cut me off and he started hurling what if statements at me. And I thought, my gosh, what do I do? And I did what you should never do, listeners, ever. I started making up information. So I just wanted to get out of there, right? And so the thing is, I didn't have a tool then. I left. I cried in my car. It wasn't pretty. And the thing is. I didn't have the tool. The tool that I use is called the EQ switch. This is what gets you into a state of mind that's emotionally intelligent so that you're responding, not reacting. This works in your personal life and your professional life. We kind of have this knee-jerk reaction. Someone says something, we react, right? But this tool helps you calm yourself enough to say what you really feel. So first thing you do is you locate, like you've been activated or triggered. You locate where that's in your body. Cause our emotions show up in our body before they show up in our mind. You're gonna, you're gonna feel it in your gut or your jaw or your what your hands. So you just notice where that is and you're like, I'm starting to feel activated. That's it. And then you stay present. You're not in the what ifs. And then the second thing is you name your emotion. And this is so cool. I found this research from neuroscientists at UCLA. It's called effect labeling. When you name your emotion to yourself, like I feel frustrated, I feel annoyed, whatever you feel, Your amygdala, your brain's panic button, that activity calms by 50%. So you're immediately calming yourself down by saying, I feel blank. And then you just take a breath, a seven-second breath, three seconds in through the nose, four seconds out through the mouth. No one needs to know. And you choose your words. Now you think about a leader you admire, Reza, they pause before they speak. They are thinking about how to respond, not react. And so the more you learn to do that. the more opportunities come into your life. Let's just say that.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. so I'm somebody that like I'm I'm pretty good at sales, let's say, but during job interviews I get so nervous. So I'm gonna apply those tactics if I ever have Yeah.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah. Well and job I just want to jump in there on job interviews, you just gotta do your body language stuff. Like that's the easiest thing. Like I know hiring right now is really tough. The job market's tough. We've got to make connection quickly. You and I made connection quickly, just with a smile at each other, right? We had b a nonverbal connection before we even said a word. And that's the thing is looking at how someone's sitting and mirror that, right? So do exactly what they're doing. If they're sitting forward, you sit forward. If they're Tone is low, lower your tone. It creates a subconscious

Reza Ghaemi: Wait, wait.

Sandy Gerber: connection that you're similar.

Reza Ghaemi: So wait, it it you when you say mirror, like who is the the one that has that power? Like who's mirroring who? Like for example, if you're my the the person interviewing me for the job, I'm the one mirroring you? Or are you saying, Yeah, obviously the the person with the power, I'm mirroring the person Okay.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. So you want to create connection with someone, mirror what they're doing, right? So if their postures

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, okay.

Sandy Gerber: open, be open. Like because subconsciously they're going to feel like you're similar, right? And already you're off to the start. So there's little tricks like that that you can do. But I think

Reza Ghaemi: Okay.

Sandy Gerber: the key is people are not hiring people for their skills. They're hiring them for their personality.

Reza Ghaemi: Especially in today's AI world, right?

Sandy Gerber: That's key. Yes. Yes. And so I like I often say to people, I have a program coming up that basically you have to create your story. What's your story? What they let's say they have 10 interviews that day. What are they walking out the door thinking about Reza? You know, I'm not saying that you're looking for a job, but basically, you know, what are they, what are they gonna remember about you? It's not gonna be that you did this skill or you had that experience. It's gonna be something unique. You have to craft your story. And maybe that's the marketer and me, but you the co the people that I coach, it's just it's absolutely essential today that you are already assumed you have the skills. So you're not selling yourself on your skills. And AI can do half of them anyways. So what is it? Why do they need you? Well, they need you because there's potential there, but also because they like you. Like they know that you're gonna work well with the others. You're gonna collaborate with people. People are gonna like working with you. And the only way that we like people is when we start sharing stories.

Reza Ghaemi: love this. so do you have do you have the emotional magnetism and then I see another book. What what's your

Sandy Gerber: yeah, this is the Korean version of it, but I have another book coming out, Connected Conversations.

Reza Ghaemi: okay.

Sandy Gerber: that's yeah, that's my newest one right now that's coming out.

Reza Ghaemi: So do you do you help people with social skills in general as well? Like for when it comes to dating or do you help men or women mainly? Or is it is it equal? Everybody?

Sandy Gerber: Everybody. Everybody. I think the thing is I what what I really want to do is like I had such bad failure in my relationships, and I'm telling you, I have a phenomenal relationship. Like it's it's off the charts, right? And it's because it's full of respect, full of acceptance, and lots of fun. Like we have and we're just we love and adore each other, right? People may not may kind of go, well, I don't wanna hear about it, Sandy. Well, you know what? You can have that too. You just have to understand yourself a little bit better. So what I do is I have a magnetic communication podcast. So for me, every Tuesday I drop a 10 minute tool that you can use. Just 10 minutes. We don't have time for all this stuff, right? Ten minutes every Tuesday, listen to the podcast and you'll have a tool that you can use to start better understanding yourself, communicating with others. There's tons, right? It just won the twenty twenty six. Pardon me?

Reza Ghaemi: Where do I where do I find the podcast? Where where do we find the podcast?

Sandy Gerber: Everywhere, Spotify, Apple. And it's

Reza Ghaemi: What's it called?

Sandy Gerber: it's called Magnetic Communication. And it just won the 2026 Best Mindset Mental Health Podcast. So yeah, it's super cool.

Reza Ghaemi: my God, Sandy Gerber. Nice.

Sandy Gerber: So it's helping people, and that was voter based, right? So people are finding it useful. And it's simple little tools you can pull out of your pocket. You know, if you're fighting with someone or need to have a difficult conversation or trying to get a job, like I just posted one yesterday on or Tuesday. On the job interview process, how to get hired. Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: way. Okay. Amazing. Amazing. I'm gonna I'm gonna check that out. And it's ten minutes long. Every episode is only ten minutes.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah, no more than no more than twelve minutes every week. Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: Wait, and this is just you solo. okay, okay.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: amazing. man, I gotta tell my my friend Mark, what's his last name? Ronick, I forgot. Mark, he's like a podcasting guy. And I'm going to a conference in Charlotte, North Carolina. it's called the empowering empowering podcasting conference EPC. And man, if you were

Sandy Gerber: Nice.

Reza Ghaemi: a speaker, I think that would be so cool. But Maybe I gotta introduce you guys at

Sandy Gerber: Awesome.

Reza Ghaemi: some point.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah, that would be awesome. I mean, that's what I do. I go around and speak to people. It's what I do. This is my mission. I'm on this planet to do this. I know it, right? To help people to communicate, to connect. So yeah, that would be wonderful if you introduce us. Thank you.

Reza Ghaemi: I will introduce you guys for sure. It would be I think they already have their schedule, but they might, they might yeah.

Sandy Gerber: Another time.

Reza Ghaemi: for sure, for sure. so Sandy, I think I so we know where to find you. I'm trying to think, you've we've we've talked a lot about about a lot of things and I'm gonna check out your podcast, and and I'm gonna just go there from now on and learn so much from you. It's been a pleasure. if is there anything that you wanna you wanna tell us? Where what do we what do we got the book? Is it on Amazon Prime or?

Sandy Gerber: Yeah, it's it's on Audible and it's on Amazon, emotional magnetism. And it's

Reza Ghaemi: Audible, perfect. Okay.

Sandy Gerber: also the Audible version, I had a lot of fun because I just started ripping jokes and stuff. And then and then sandygerber.com if you want some services for my me and my team. But the thing that I want to hear tell your listeners, just be kind to yourself around communication. It's a tough world right now and we're all hearing a lot of people talking and not in a respectful way. Be respectful to yourself. And just take one tool, just take one little tool and start using that. And you're gonna find you're gonna be able to your confidence. You're gonna feel more heard. And, you know, there's lots of resources to help you out. So just know that I'm here for you and and thanks again for having me on your show.

Reza Ghaemi: Sorry, I know you just said thanks again for having the show and you're ending it, but I just remembered one main question I was gonna ask you, right? If you

Sandy Gerber: Go for

Reza Ghaemi: could give one piece of advice to see people that are listening right now that are going through this difficulty of like online dating, let's say, and let's say you're a girl and you're like, Well, this this guy is he even real or is it AI? So how do you detect inauthenticity from people and incongruency from people? If you could give some tangible tips around for women especially to to detect incongruency in in men's commun communication and and you know, in my opinion, if that makes sense.

Sandy Gerber: Yeah, I mean, I haven't been in the dating world online for a while, and I'm but I'm I'm imagining it's gotten even more complicated

Reza Ghaemi: yeah.

Sandy Gerber: with AI. And I think the thing that we we've got to do is is trust your gut. You have to trust your gut. You have to trust your intuition, especially women who are really plugged in that way. So I would say that right away. And then I would look at, you know, some of the wording that they're using and things like that. Like there's some major AI tells, right? Like you can you can completely tell. And then Look at like the questions you're asking. Ask the harder questions first. Like don't wait. Ask harder questions first. Like the fact that I asked on my first date what someone emotionally needed to be happy and he didn't run away, you know, that's a good sign, right? So start, you deserve to be loved and you deserve to be treated the way that you should be treated. So remember that and start acting like it so that you can ask those questions with courage and curiosity. And then move on to the next person if that's not a fit.

Reza Ghaemi: Thank you so much, Sandy Gerber. I appreciate your time. I'm gonna hit stop and there we go.