Dating in Uniform: Loneliness, Red Flags & Self Worth with Mr. Whiskey

Reza Ghaemi: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to Season Two of the Res Podcast, the show where we have honest conversations about dating, relationships, personal growth, and the experiences that shape the way we connect with one another. Today we're exploring a side of dating culture that most civilians rarely hear about. What relationships can look like for young men entering the military? How do military environments affect dating? What stereotypes follow young service members? And what happens when youth, money, trauma Power and loneliness all collide. This is gonna be a raw and important conversation. Let's get right into it. Miss my guest today is Mr. Whiskey, a United States Navy veteran. Thank you for your service, Mr. Whiskey, a speaker, author, preacher, comedian, and the founder and host of the Couple on Nukes podcast. He enlisted in the Navy at only 17 years old, completed the Navy's nuclear training pipeline, and served as an electric. Electrician's mate nuclear operator, boy, I don't even know what that is. aboard an aircraft carrier that later came under investigation following a devastating suicide rate in allegations of a toxic command climate. boy. Today he uses his experiences in the military, ministry, trauma recovery, and addiction recovery to have difficult conversations about mental health, leadership. Faith, relationships, responsibility, and healing. I was actually on Mr. Whiskey's podcast sharing my journey. So it's a true honor to have you on, Mr. Whiskey. Welcome to the Rest Podcast.

Mr. Whiskey: Thank you so much. It's great to be here and to see you again. It's only been a few days really and I'm glad we could have this quick turnaround and connect. I love doing that podcast swapping when it aligns. So great to see you again and to I'm really excited because a lot of podcasts, I've guessed on about 80 podcasts now, and a lot of them ask the same cookie cutter questions. They want to hit one of everything: an addiction question, a suicide prevention question, you know, military question, faith question, just do a broad overview. We're getting into actual specific topic. We're gonna get pretty deep into it. And so I'm really excited to do something different, but something that, you know, I am able to talk about. You did some online research beforehand. I did field research. Not voluntarily, involuntarily. I was, you know, in the military, in the dating culture. And so I'm excited to share some stories that, like I said, before we start recording here, may make your jaw drop because there are some things that happen to military guys that are just unimaginable.

Reza Ghaemi: So excited, Mr. Whiskey. Let's start with tell us. I mean, I know I gave the the listeners your intro and your bio, but can you kind of tell me where you're at? Like, so just your journey and how long you were like in the military, and just talk to about what happened between then and now and how many years it's been, and how long, like I don't even I'm assuming you're not part of the military anymore. You're retired, right? Talk to me about that.

Mr. Whiskey: So I I recently got out not too long ago. Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, okay, recently.

Mr. Whiskey: It depends who you ask, you know. it feels recently and it feels not so recently. So it it's been about three and a half years, give or take a few months. So relatively recently I joined when I was seventeen years old. Backstory to that. I grew up in a home that was one of sexual violence, domestic violence, addiction. There was verbal and emotional abuse as well as weaponized religion. So I came from a traumatic household with a lot of controlling factors, a lot of abusive factors, and that's what Pushed me into the military, not this idea of escaping. My parents said you're doing this. And I grew up in a home where you didn't have independent thinking, you just did as you were told. You didn't even think to think independently. And so 17 years old, you know, there was no gun to the back of my head, which chiefs in the Navy like to say, no one held a gun to the back of your head. No, but I grew up in a household of abuse. And they said and signed the paperwork for me when I was 17 here in America. You know, your parents sign on if you had 17. You can enlist, you go through the delayed entry. program and then you ship out as soon as you graduate or turn 18. Depends they change things all the time. There have been times where you didn't need a high school diploma, just a GED, or just a score in the ASVAV. They're always changing the requirements to combat retention and recruitment. And so that got me into the military. Like I said, I didn't want to be there. It was also, unfortunately for me, a very abusive and terrible environment. And we'll get into that for sure. However, I will say to caveat it, you know, there are plenty of people I've interviewed, you know, plenty of veterans who had a great experience. It was the best thing. They did twenty to thirty years, you know, they made a career out of it. And it can be amazing. But for many people, unfortunately, from Vietnam veterans trained by World War Two veterans that I've interviewed to people who just got out a few days ago. Or I I was talking to someone who's getting out in two weeks, right? There have been some of the same issues for decades, generations. And so there are a lot of issues with that. I ended up getting out and, you know, I kind of fell into podcasting. I had started a podcast f with the idea of being pure comedy with some life advice. Unfortunately, no n other nuclear operators were interested. And so that's why the show is called Couple of Nukes, because it was supposed to be a couple of nukes talking about life and doing comedy because nuclear operators they say that less than one percent of the American population can get into that program and then an even smaller percentage actually make it through. About eighty six percent or more fail the program or commit suicide. So I was one of only few people from my original class who made it through the program. That being said, people make it through some of the smartest people in the world, which means they're some of the strangest people, right? The smarter you are, the the weirder you are. All right. You can look at some political leaders right now, or you could look in historically at some mad scientists, right? They're mad eccentric scientists for a reason because and when your brain works a different way, it works a different way. And it can be great benefits with it. Or as we know as podcasters and we've done interviews, sometimes it can bring some hardships. That being said, the uniqueness of those nuclear operator brains, I wanted to capture that in a podcast. There was no one Focusing on the naval nuclear operator community and their weirdness as a podcast. And there still isn't because it's just a nuke, which is me, I jokingly say, because no one saw the big vision. And so I ended up getting into mental health work because we were surrounded by addiction, depression, suicides, covered suicides, anxiety, PTSD, all this stuff. And so that developed into something now to fast forward where I've ended up speaking on stage, performing stand-up comedy. Starting a digital ministry, all things that I never thought. But they're all just different forms of communication. Why do I do writing? Why do I do comedy, preaching, singing, speaking? All of them are just different forms to reach more people. Because that's the goal for me in life is to serve God and to serve others.

Reza Ghaemi: That's a beautiful, beautiful story. Thank you so much. damn. so let's let's talk about if you if we can. so obviously when you were 17 and how old are you now, Mr. Whiskey?

Mr. Whiskey: I'm twenty four now.

Reza Ghaemi: 24. so the you know, t talk to me about like when you were listed, I don't know where you served and stuff like that. But can you talk about what happens to dating culture in military saturated areas? I assume that you have some experience around this.

Mr. Whiskey: For sure and I'd I'd love to talk about that. And there's a couple of different things, you know, and There's so many different sides to what we think when we think of someone in the military. You go into it thinking that it's all these classic American heroes, these hardy men. You see the movies and the commercials. I found out for myself, you know, it was not a lot of American heroes. In fact, nowadays, I hate to say it, but it's more of the suicide squad and crumb bums who have no other choice than American heroes or people who just want to get their college paid for. And there's nothing wrong with that, right? That it's a program available to do that. However, let me just my boot camp division for you. Guy next to me says, Petty Officer, I joined in the United States Navy because I got three girls impregnant in high school and I got those child support. When the Navy Federal gonna be here so I can set up those allotments because you know I'm I'm due some money and I gotta pay them. Right. So that I was like, okay, that's guy number one, next guy. And he says, well I wanna become a Navy SEAL one day so I can bang any woman I want. Okay, great American hero. Next guy, petty officer, I got a girl pregnant in high school and then right afterwards, so you know, I got that child support. And I was like, okay, a lot of a lot of child support payments here in the military. Okay. And this is before you even, you know, join, right? These are people who made choices in high school. And and we'll talk about You know, us as parents and mentors failing our our children and teenagers. They have some responsibility and accountability to hold, but there's also some of that to put on us. And then next guy, why did you join the military? I want to be a business owner. Finally. An American hero. I wanna own my own strip club. You're like, you almost had us. He goes, I want the Navy to pay for my strip club. And I I can't imagine owning my own strip club. All the ladies are mine, all the money is mine. I mean, that's the best life. And I was like, man, if we're in the trenches in the Middle East, I hope this isn't the guy who's supposed to protect me because he's gonna say, you know what? The strip club ain't worth it. I'm out of here. Right? Then the next guy goes, I want to own a restaurant. We're like, okay. There's no way you can mess this up. And he goes, where there's edible weed in every dish. And we're like, dude, you have one job. So this is my boot camp division, right? So I say that to say what what we think of when we think of the military can be very different. no go ahead.

Reza Ghaemi: Mr. Mr. Whiskey, you're being serious right now? Like these are real stories. And the the and they were being serious. They weren't just joking around.

Mr. Whiskey: Yes. Yes, these are people from my boot camp division who I served with. Yes, yes, I could draw a picture of them for you. No, these these are these were serious reasons for joining. you know, everyone joins for different reasons. We had some people for sure. I want to serve God, I want to serve my country. We had a lot of people I want to pay for college. We had some people who said, Listen, I went to college, got a degree, it was useless, I'm on my restart. So there's a lot. And I say that to preface it with when we think of military. There's a lot of different things we can think of. Now there are a lot of American heroes and I do have respect for everyone going through that, whether they have a great reason or not, because it is a demanding lifestyle and and it does change you as a person in many ways. Now, I think that one of the issues is stereotyping, right? And so even with that knowledge, I never look at a military member and instantly think, this guy's here for child support or this or that, right? 'Cause it's such a mixture. I mean, I had people in my boot camp division from Hawaii, from Wyoming, from New Jersey, Florida, from Africa, right? From from Mexico. I mean, it's such a divor the diverse melting pot. Now, I will say what shocked me more was what people think of the military from the dating pool perspective. And so I was on dating apps at one point and going out on dates. And I often got this stereotype that women would tell me. Well, if you're in the military, that means you beat women, you're an S D D sponge, you're a cheater. All military men do all these things. And we know and and you know as a a good podcast host, we never talk in absolutes. Are there military men who do those things? Absolutely. Are there civilian men who do those things? Absolutely. But there would be dating apps you would go on and the profiles would say, No military men allowed. Do swipe left if you're military. All military men are are baby killers. I've been called baby killer multiple times. I've never killed a baby in my life. and and

Reza Ghaemi: Were you were you in like s particularly now these are military saturated areas?

Mr. Whiskey: Yeah, so some of them were one to two bases, some of them were seven bases. And here's the thing, it is and I

Reza Ghaemi: Crazy to me.

Mr. Whiskey: will give credit to the civilian women, it is hard to date in a military saturated area because it really does change distance. And I'll give you the layout. Most military bases are structured like this. There's a military base, and on one side of it it's very ghetto hood, run down, high crime rate area. And on the other side of it is an extremely expensive tourist destination like Charleston, like Savannah, like Virginia Beach. So a lot of military bases are sandwiched between a very bad area for dating to begin with. But I'll I'll give you an example. When there are so many men, women and and this again, we're not talking absolutes, but some women in those areas, I've experienced we talk about the shift in psychology, they get this entitlement. We there was a woman and at nuke school, it was about one woman for every like ninety guys. I mean the ratio of men to women was very drastically skewed. And here's what happens. This woman had slept with eighty different nukes. She had a list, like a written-down list. And someone asked her why. And she said, Why not? Every weekend I can get a new pair of shoes, go to new restaurants, new clothes, get new I hopefully this isn't too crude for a show. I can get some new dick, right? This is what she said. Every week I can get something new. And there's a song called Flavor of the Week, right? And it it's very true. And so there's this entitlement. And it becomes a thing where the guys are so desperate for any female attention and there's only three women on base, they're gonna treat them like they're a hundred out of ten, even if they're not attractive, even if they have terrible personalities, because they're so desperate for attention. And if you try to talk to any of the civilians in the area, even if they like military men, what you'll find most of the time is that they've dated multiple military men. They had first girlfriend I ever had in military, she had two other boyfriends besides me. She had a civilian boyfriend back home in her home state. She was dating a guy down the barracks from me, right? There was people you would date and they would say, it doesn't count if you're military, or you've heard terms like boat, boo, work, wife, all this kind of stuff. Everything that the civilian world deals with with dating, I would dare to say that the military amplifies it and makes it worse. And I'll I'll give you some room there to address some of those things.

Reza Ghaemi: Wow. No, I just have a lot of empathy for the active duty members and how difficult it must be. I so I just I just wanna know a more about the the the civilians and and their reaction towards military people and why it was so negative and what about the other side of things? There's gotta be some chicks that are like, that's hot. There's gotta be some girls.

Mr. Whiskey: For sure. But here's the thing and I you know

Reza Ghaemi: Not to you know Yeah.

Mr. Whiskey: And and this is really prominent because I've experienced some of this too. Is the attraction to the uniform, at what point is it a fetishization? What point is it

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm.

Mr. Whiskey: you love me for being a military man, not me as a man? Right? And there's actually a discussion, a debate, which we can get into later, which was some guys would say, just don't tell them you're military until you've gone on a few dates. And there was some men who said that's awful. You gotta be honest up front. And there was other men who said, Well, if they're stereotyping us, judging and projecting onto us and not getting to know the real us, we're not lying to deceive them. We're lying so we can actually show them some of who we are. And so that was a huge debate. But it's and and online dating made it very even more saturated. And I'll tell you, I remember I I had match with this woman on Tinder and she's was messaging me a little bit back on Snapchat when I used to have that a long time ago, and she said Just so you know, I'm sorry if I respond slow, 200 guys added me today. And you're, and I will say this as a compliment, you are in the top 10 most attractive and least weird out of 200 guys today. I mean, imagine trying to compete in that dating pool. Or I had a guy on my show who said this is worst case scenario. If you're in a really military known area, he said women would come up to you in the bar and say, What rank are you? And if you weren't high enough ranked, they would walk away. And they and they know. They see the haircut or they see the way you act because it 'cause you know, you gotta keep a certain haircut in regulations. all the

Reza Ghaemi: Mm, mm.

Mr. Whiskey: military guys have the same mustache or beard because if you do have one, you gotta keep it trimmed to a certain expectation. And so we would go into places and people would say, Military guys, right, here's your discount. I can tell by your haircut, or I can tell by the way you walk or look and You know, that makes it hard too to go into a situation where people are just seeing military not seeing you for you. The worst case scenario, something I was I would dare to say a victim of, is there were women around the nuclear base who would target nuclear operators specifically because of their bonus that they get when they become a nuclear operator to spend all that money. So there were there were women who were many years older than the young enlisted guys who would target them And use them as a wallet. And I I fell prey to this, and I'm gonna tell my story because it'll give insights into common things. How did this happen to me? Number one, we mentioned isolation and loneliness. I met this woman on Thanksgiving Day. So it was my first holiday away from home. You're feeling lonely. You know, people think that you're not lonely because you have a built-in brotherhood. Guess what? The military is like any group in high school, college, or work, there's clicks. People don't always fit in. You just because you all wear the same uniform doesn't mean you're gonna get along, that there aren't clicks, that there's not popularity competitions. It's not a guarantee. And people need to understand that. That's one of the biggest, I would say, misconceptions. People say it's a brotherhood. You know, any veteran, you could go up to them right now and they'll connect with you. Now there's plenty of veterans who are jerks, you know, are terrible people. There are plenty of active duty people who shouldn't have been in the service, you know? And so You know, I was feeling extra isolated. I didn't want to be there number one. You know, I hadn't been connecting well with people number two. Most guys who joined the military, by the way, and we kinda mentioned this, are between seventeen and twenty-one on on the older side, typically seventeen, eighteen, and nineteen. And I would dare to say now, and I hated this when I was in the service, people would You're just kids, really. And looking back now, I'm like, you know what? We we really were. We had no idea who we were or what we were doing. Right, we joined the military while in high school or right afterward, and we were trying to figure out who we were and we got told who we were by the military, but we weren't told how to be someone outside of that. So who are we? You know, going into dating, going into family, we had this identity issue that we just attach all our worth and time to wearing the uniform, being at the job, or trying to chase our old identity before we went into the military. Which also you have to outgrow at some point. But the military puts us in this fluctuation where they're holding your hand, so you're not a full-blown independent adult, and you can do some things. And so it's a a weird time. And I remember I had re-downloaded Tinder because I said it's Thanksgiving night. I'm all alone. I I miss my family. I don't want to be here. The base life hasn't been a good adjustment so far. I had just gotten out of boot camp a few weeks beforehand. Download Tinder. And sometimes we accredit things to God too soon and without discernment. And it said that I had super liked this woman and matched with her. And I said, Well, I didn't even have the app. So God must have sent me a little Thanksgiving night present. I think it was the devil, you know, because I'll tell you what happened. We were texting and she said, Hey, let's go out for a drive and listen to some music and talk and get to know one another. I said, it's a Thanksgiving miracle. Christmas came early, right? And so

Reza Ghaemi: Too good to be true didn't come to your mind. Too good to be true.

Mr. Whiskey: I I just was so happy, you know, and and that's the thing.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah, yeah. Okay, yes, yes.

Mr. Whiskey: Loneliness skews your discernment, your perception.

Reza Ghaemi: Yep, yep.

Mr. Whiskey: You know, I work in domestic violence prevention and awareness, and that's a whole conversation on that, right? People will skew it

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah. A hundred percent.

Mr. Whiskey: for sure. And so she's like, Let's go drive around and listen to music, all that. And I said, Okay. And she's like, But I don't have a car. you know, it needs repairs, blah, blah, blah. Well, I had just gone out of boot camp. I didn't have a place of my own. I didn't have a car. That's one of the things that makes di dating so difficult. So many of my relationships were very limited or hindered because I didn't have my own place. And the a lot of the women who are your same age are living with their parents or don't have their own place, right? They're seventeen, eighteen, nineteen or twenty as well. Most of them are going to college and living at home. And the parents say, You can't stay over here, you don't have your own place. She can't come onto the barracks. You're not welcome at the home. neither of you have a car, one of you has a car. And so life becomes very difficult, to even just l just the logistics, just the logistics of travel and stay and spending time together. And then that's on top of the schedule, you know, as a nuclear operator. There was times I didn't have my phone for twelve to fourteen hours at a time, right? That's hard on a relationship. There was times where you're not allowed off base, where you gotta go work on the holidays or the weekends, right? But anyway This woman and I we try to figure it out and we were like, Well, we could just walk around. So I asked some guy I had just met, I was like, Hey, can you drive me to this place? And he was like, All right, sure, yeah. So he he drops me off.

Reza Ghaemi: A guy you just met, you said, or a guy that you knew from

Mr. Whiskey: Yeah, some guy at at the barracks who had a car. I was like, Hey, can you do this favor for me? And he was

Reza Ghaemi: Okay.

Mr. Whiskey: like, Yeah. So and I wish he had said no, because this this was a nightmare. He drops me off in this place. Shadier than a trailer park, low income, high crime rate kind of area. They're they're doing a arms deal this street on in the street across from her place, and she's texting me, she's like, Hey, don't look over in that direction. And then she says, By the way. Have someone different drop you off every time. The police track this area heavily and my roommates are making meth right now inside, so you can't come inside. And I was just like, okay And she comes out and she does not match her dating profile pictures. So that was a red flag on top of all the other stuff, right? Just the environment. And she she was about fifty pounds heavier, had dyed hair, and she's kind of walking with a little bit of staggering. She goes, Don't mind me, I'm an alcoholic. And I was like, okay. And she goes, I know I'm heavier too than I look, but she goes, All I did during COVID was drink alcohol and you know, I couldn't go to the gym or anything. And sorry my car's broken. One of my ex boyfriends got drunk and smashed it onto the navy base and he got kicked out. And I was like, okay. And so we start w my friend drove off, this acquaintance I knew, so I was like, it's too late now. So we start walking and talking and I I I shouldn't have led with I'm a nuclear operator. But she goes, you're a nuke and I said, you know what that is? She goes, Yeah, my two exes were nukes And I was like, Pfft, yikes.

Reza Ghaemi: Wait, Mr. Whiskey, what what i like I'm just imagining this story. How did you still stay there based on everything she's said? Like you couldn't just run away or like just say like

Mr. Whiskey: Well, I So that's the thing. Number one I felt What was I gonna do? I'm in the middle of a town that I've never heard of in a state that I just moved to a few days ago. you know, I I didn't have a car, I didn't have the Uber app at the time and I I said, Okay, what do we do? I said the polite thing is to to, you know, hang out with her and and then go at some point. And I said, I don't And I'm a very non-judgmental person, sometimes too too little judgmental. I said, you know what? I don't know her circumstances that led her to this kind of environment. So let's not judge too much. I said, her roommates are making meth. That doesn't mean she's making meth or that she wants to. But it gets worse. You know, you haven't even heard the worst of it. So then she goes, she said, I know what a nuke is because my two exes are nukes. And I was like, Ooh. That's that's kind of a red flag. But I said, you know what? It's a military saturated area. The dating pool is highly immersed with nukes. So again, let me I try to give the grace first, right? And so she goes, I said, How did you meet them? And she goes, I met them where I work. So I'm like, Okay, there's a lot of businesses here. Maybe, you know, and nukes frequent all these businesses. She goes, I said, Okay, what do you do for work? She goes, I'm a stripper. And I said, Okay. Okay. She goes, by the way, I have two kids, and I have a baby daddy with multiple personality disorder, and he's abusive and toxic. and I'm six years older than you. And yeah, let's have a good time because I'm feeling the vibe. We're like bipolar opposites, but we totally vibe. And I was I was speechless. I was speechless.

Reza Ghaemi: my god.

Mr. Whiskey: People always ask me, Mr. Whiskey, there were so many red flags, there was this and that. but you know what? I said it's Thanksgiving night. This woman wants to spend time with me. We're gonna talk and get to know each other. And it just became a nightmare from there. And long story short, she continually led me on. I spent thousands of dollars on her and

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, okay, wait a minute. Was she 'cause you said she had some extra weight, but I'm assuming she was still kinda hot and attractive. Cause you're telling me you spent thousands

Mr. Whiskey: No.

Reza Ghaemi: of dollars on her.

Mr. Whiskey: Well, I wasn't looking for I wasn't spending money for physical appearance or for sex. I wanted company. I was all alone in the military, away from my home. I had always wanted to be in relationship.

Reza Ghaemi: And she somehow manipulated you into like this friendship.

Mr. Whiskey: So we would go out together and then she would always lead me on promising we're gonna date or we're gonna kiss at some point, we're gonna do this or that. And so I kept chasing that. And I wasn't at the emotional maturity level at the time to stop giving until anything was returned. I just kept giving because I kept saying, obviously it's not enough. And mind you, I frame this as as as borderline grooming in the sense that I had just turned eighteen, not Too long ago. She was twenty-four. she had dated multiple nukes. she got two of them kicked out of the Navy, you know. And so the deal is, and and this this is about to get crazier. We she would take me out to clubs and stuff. She would sneak me in, say I was a designated driver, blah, blah, blah. And I didn't drink at the time. I was sworn against alcohol. And she wanted me to drink alcohol because she said I was too stiff, too stern, too serious. And I had I told you, I grew up in a abusive controlling home. I had never been out before, let alone with people who were in their mid twenties at clubs. And I w this was COVID times. I wasn't even allowed off base at the time really. So I'm sneaking around risking everything for this woman who isn't giving me much attention at all. She keeps saying I'm too serious. I want a relationship that is too serious. Then she was saying she had a lesbian girlfriend and She would bring she would bring her sometimes or she would invite other girls from the strip club and have me pay for everyone all the time. And you know, I wanted her attention. Well, we're at the club one night and she's like, You need a drink. I said, No, I'm just warning against alcohol. She's like, Look, you really want to kiss, don't you? And I said, Yes. I really wanted to kiss her. And she continually denied it because she said, grown ups don't kiss. That's for little kids. And you're just a little boy and you don't understand that grown-ups don't make out or kiss. And I, you know, I came from a controlling, closed, sheltered, abusive home. So I thought, wow, I guess I am just a little kid. I didn't realize that adults don't kiss. And obviously that's wrong, but I was being manipulated. And I didn't know this until many years later when I was recounting this story to someone and they pointed out all these things. They're like, Mr. Whiskey, we we're so sorry. And I was like, What are talking about? And they're like, This, this, this, this manipulation, this and that. Well, she said, I will kiss you. If you drink this alcohol. And I said, No. I said, I'm not gonna compromise my morals for any physical affection from from a woman. I'm not, you know, that kind of person. She said, Come on, I'll I'll drink a little bit and I'll spit it into your mouth while we're kissing. It won't be too much. And I said, No, I really want to kiss you, but I don't want it to be under those kinds of circumstances. Well, she goes off drinking, she's mad that I'm such a stiff-necked person and not. And later she comes over. a little more drunk. Mind you, she would start drinking at about nine AM in the morning. you know, so yeah. And I I liked it because she thought everything I said was funny because she was drunk all the time. And I found validation in that as someone who was all alone, who wanted her attention, and when she was always drunk all the time, she would always think that I I was funny. But it also put me in some weird situations 'cause she would just black out. She would just pass out on the floor. And, you know, I wasn't equipped at the time to handle those kinds of situations. And so she came back and she said, Listen, just take one sip of this sunshine tequila and I'll let you stick it in me. And I don't need to explain to any adults listening what that means. And of course, I had never really been with a a woman at that point in my life.

Reza Ghaemi: You're a virgin.

Mr. Whiskey: No, I was not at that time, but I had only done it once before really, so it so there was a

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, okay. Sorry, I yeah.

Mr. Whiskey: huge incentive there. Of course,

Reza Ghaemi: huh.

Mr. Whiskey: because at that time I was not as much in my faith journey at all, which which would have prevented a lot of this to be honest. There was a lot of discernment there that I did not have. You know, she was very much into a lot of stuff that I was not aligned with. But I thought at that time this idea growing up reading romantic novels and watching Nicholas Spark's movie, Love Can Conquer Anything. So I said, you know what, it doesn't matter, she's complete opposite, we'll make it work. And she kept saying, even though we're bipolar opposites, we totally vibe. But the truth was we weren't vibing. She didn't know anything about me. We never had a conversation that was in depth. All we did was go out to places and I would buy her two hundred, three hundred dollar fur coats. I would buy her five she would get five white Russians per meal, sometimes. Three to five drinks per meal. This isn't a tourist town,

Reza Ghaemi: Wait a minute, so

Mr. Whiskey: mind you.

Reza Ghaemi: sorry to interrupt, but the money so people make a lot of money while they're in the military.

Mr. Whiskey: No. This was from you know, I had money saved up from previous jobs and then also part of the nuclear operator bonus, which is why some women will target certain rates or ranks in the military for money. And and that being said, you know, and and I told her, and I'm very proud of this moment because I told her no. I said, You can't bribe me with sex to break something that is not in moral alignment with me. and I'm very proud of that. But I think about What about all the other guys in my position who who would have folded for lack of better words because they didn't care about that stuff? And and what if they got in a situation where she accused them of rape or she you held it against them to get all their money? If she threatened, you know, accusations, or especially if she you know, or what about the guys who when she passed out drunk would have done stuff to her? You know, like I think about these young guys who are 17, 18, 19. A lot of them coming out of boot camp, they're lonely, they're pent up, you know, some bad choices they could have made. Anyway, that didn't work out because she kept saying I was immature because I wanted a real relationship and to meet her kids and to you know, spend time together. And yeah, what really broke it for me is she said that adults don't kiss. But then she posted drunk on a Snapchat story, her making out with some random woman and they were licking each other's whole faces at some party drunk. And I just said, I'm I'm done with this. And I was at physical training one day in the military and I get a phone call from her. Hey, I'm at the tattoo shop. I just got a whole arm sleeve. He's waiting for you to pay for it so I can leave.

Reza Ghaemi: And you you were only eighteen, right? This whole thing

Mr. Whiskey: Yeah, I had just turned eighteen a few weeks before that. I did I did get her a tattoo on her left bosom, but yeah. That it that's it said know thyself.

Reza Ghaemi: Does it does it say your name on it or Know Thyself?

Mr. Whiskey: Yes, know thyself. And I I only bring this all up because we hear a lot about older men, you know, taking advantage of younger women, but it goes both ways. We had a woman who was in charge of us in the military who if you slept with her or brought her gifts, she would sign your training qualifications, right? It does go both ways. And there's not a lot of coverage about this. And I've done several episodes on male sexual assault awareness and a lot of people don't realize. Male sexual assault, it used to be that if you as a victim penetrated, they no longer qualified it as sexual assault because of this terrible mindset. And so statistics have changed and it's very common. In fact, one of the most common cases is in the military or college athletes being manipulated and used by their coaches to get more field time or to get those scouting plays. And it's very horrible. I know plenty of people in the military I know a guy, I don't know him personally, but I heard of the guy at our base who committed suicide because he found out his roommate had been raping him every night. And I actually I've met several veterans who decades ago were getting raped in boot camp or assaulted or molested. And it's very unfortunate. Same with I've interviewed Navy veterans on the ship on deployment, people of all rank, of all race, of all different types of men, you know, taking out sexual aggression on other men in the military. Either to make them a man or as part of a navy tradition or a military tradition or just because, you know, they they needed something.

Reza Ghaemi: And and Mr. Whiskey, this is very tragic and very sad and just hard to for me to even imagine what it would be like. So just maybe a stupid question. If that type of behavior happens, what is holding the victim back from is it like I mean, I know maybe not a good question, but like there's it's obvious there's reasons. But is

Mr. Whiskey: No no, I understand what you're saying and

Reza Ghaemi: it is it r like how common? I guess is there statistics like how common is this? Type of thing.

Mr. Whiskey: I couldn't give you numbers, but let me tell you from personal experience, you know, a lot of men don't recognize if they're being taken advantage of by a woman because of these toxic masculine mindsets. You know, when I was with this older woman, you know what everyone said? You got that dog and you you got good game, you must be packing, you got an older woman. She's six years older than you, she got two kids, you know what you're doing, or you like a woman with experience, they don't recognize it. I never even felt manipulated or abused until like a year or two ago I was telling this to a a young woman and she was like, That's manipulation, that's borderline grooming, she did this, this, and this and you know, I only told you a portion of the story and just from that alone, you know, it w it sounds pretty awful. And so w now I can clearly recognize, but when you're in the midst of it, you don't feel like a victim. And I think as men, at least for my case, as men, I think we really try to take aca not all men obviously, but we try to take accountability and responsibility. So for me, I don't see it as an older woman abused and manipulated me when I was just a a young lad. I say I was a young man and I made the decision to continue in that and I'm at fault. And I think that's a bad mindset to have because I think that also pushes the narrative onto women saying, Well, if you didn't want to be raped, you shouldn't have dressed that way. You invited it. Or, you know, you shouldn't have gone out with that guy. You invited it. And you know, I wasn't in trying to invite anything. there was in that later on, I didn't share it, but there was some molestation and sexual harassment that was pushed onto me from her that was only self-serving to her. And so there's a lot of situations there. And I think when it comes to men being raped or sexually assaulted by other men, there's a lot of this perceived shame around that. Like it is, how are you gonna tell? other men like another man rape me. To to a lot of men that is the most shameful and thing that could ever happen to them. So I think it's hard to talk about. It's already hard enough for women to talk about a man raping them, let alone men talking about other men raping them. You know, I I think that's why that gentleman committed suicide because it's like this is the most shameful thing that's ever happened to me. How can I live knowing this happened? How can I tell other men it happened? I think nowadays there's a lot more support For male sexual assault awareness, but I tell you most of the veterans who have shared it with me said Mr. Whiskey, you're the first person I've ever told about this in 30 years, 40 years. And I'm only telling you because I see the work you're doing and because conversations are happening now. There's a lot of people now talking out about the Boy Scouts and being, you know, molested or sexually assaulted in the Boy Scouts decades ago. We're seeing a turn and f change of phase for it, but I think there's still gonna be many years until people talk about this, especially men.

Reza Ghaemi: Is it different? Yeah.

Mr. Whiskey: And I th I think some of the older men have gone to a point where they don't care anymore. They're like, you what, I've I've lived life. What do I have to lose? But maybe I can make an impact for the next guys. Because I'll tell you what, I've interviewed people who suppress stuff for decades and it came boiling up in their sixties or seventies and you think that people don't care at that point, but when trauma resurfaces w in your sixties or seventies, it can be just as bad as it was those decades ago.

Reza Ghaemi: Totally, totally. so I'm just curious, like like w tell me something positive, man, about the military. There's gotta be some positives too.

Mr. Whiskey: For sure. I mean I there there are plenty of posit I'm trying to think.

Reza Ghaemi: Like like like as an example, what I'm what I'm trying to say is like out of all these s like things that you're telling me, right? And and the the men that were bad, like there's gotta wasn't there somebody like yourself there that was just so like a good person and innocent and that you could be friends with?

Mr. Whiskey: You know, I think that, like I said, when it comes to the dating military side, there are some terrible military men, there are some great military men, there are some terrible women, civilian side and military side. And I I think, you know, the reason we're focusing on the on the bad is for prevention, right? Because I think one message here is if you're a young man joining the military, or more importantly, if you're a parent who has a son joining, I think you need to talk to them about this. I and I say this not just for military men, but if you have a son We don't talk to our sons about being taken advantage of by women as much as we tell our daughters to be safe, right? And I think we need to have those conversations. And I think it's really important. And so I encourage everyone to have these conversations. Now I've have spent plenty of time in the military where I was stopping suicides because people would come to my room at two or three o'clock in the morning saying they wanted to commit suicide. And I would sit down and talk with them. And you know, it's Dating was one of those factors. And and one of the things that makes it difficult too is, and I believe that, and I say this from a faith-based perspective, God didn't put Adam and Eve in different gardens and tell them to text message or write letters. He put them right next to each other. And I think distance dating is very unnatural, and I think it's very difficult. And the military plays a huge role in that. But I will say, in a defense of military men, people say all military men cheat. You know, they got deployment boo, they got girls in other countries. Do you know how many guys came home and found another man in their own house? I have a guy, I I interviewed a guy on my show. He he knew a guy who came home and they had a little parade for all the military guys coming back. Well, there was a divorce lawyer right in there, and he said, Not only did your wife divorce you, but she used power of attorney to make you responsible for her new boyfriend's brand new pickup truck payments, and you owe this much money on his truck. Right? So I wanna say as much as there are military men who do terrible things, there are a lot of women who do terrible things. And I think it isn't just a military issue. Our dating culture in general has gotten so much into hooking up situationships, toxic relationships. And I think one of the proponents of that is so many people are coming from broken homes. People are coming home they're coming from a household of divorce, domestic violence, of sexual violence, of toxic situationships. And so A lot of us get into what we we saw. A lot of us say we w we don't want to be anything like our parents if they had that kind of household. But the thing is you are so accustomed to it. You're drawn to it because that's what's natural for you. Or you think, this is different than my parents and you make all these reasons. Another thing I wanna say that I think is so important, we I I wanna talk to you about the generational cycles. One of the most toxic things I think is a lot of military guys They say they wasted their pork call because here's the prep I got for most pork calls. I would ask people, is this a good pork call? Or is this a good base to be stationed at? And their answer was always about the clubs and the women. Never about there's great places to hike mountains, not there's great kayaking, not there's good fishing. It's always about alcohol and women. And a lot of generational cycles put forward, right? You're gonna get in the military. Your job is to work all day, hate your life, and then you're gonna get drunk and bang women. And I think we really need to stop that. So many people will look down on you if you try to have a family in the military. They'll say, Why are you trying to get married so young, man? You know, this is your time to be free, experiment, explore. You're going to these foreign countries where you can get women for really cheap, or you can find them left and right. And they love American military men. And for me that is so terrible that we put that forward. I think if someone wants to have a family, respect that choice. But everyone wants to talk you out of it. Never get married. And now there's a difference between reckless marriage in the military and wanting to be a family man. And I've seen plenty of reckless marriages. But it it's so important that we we and it's not just to protect the the women out there, but to protect the guys too. Because I had a lot of veterans I've interviewed, they they were purposely baby trapped. Civilian women who would get them pregnant to Get themselves pregnant by a military man on purpose to get child support payments. They would target military men drunk at clubs and they would get them and say, All right, now you owe me money every month. And so I think really this conversation comes down to how can we raise our children up to be better than all these decades of repeat patterns for men and women on both sides.

Reza Ghaemi: that's that's very well said, man. And this is deep. This is deep. Like I I know your ma name is Mr. Whiskey, but I I wish I had some whiskey right now. because this is really heavy stuff. I did not know at all what it's like. And thank you so much for shedding l so much light around this topic and and it's not like what people think, which is the men are always the you know, quote unquote crazy ones and abusive ones and manipulators and definitely. well, I I don't know. I I I'm just wondering how much more time so we got got a few more minutes before we hit the one hour mark on this. why do you think the why, if you were to go back, obviously you probably wouldn't go to the military then if you if if

Mr. Whiskey: Right. I understand what you're saying.

Reza Ghaemi: if you had to start over, would you do anything different? Perhaps Any advice you have for people that are watching this and right now they're on active duty right now, in a military base. Let you know, maybe somebody's listening. So any advice, any tips from what you've learned if you were to go back?

Mr. Whiskey: One hundred percent.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah.

Mr. Whiskey: the two words I would put forward mainly are patience and discernment. Right, one of the things we talked about is because of the loneliness, the hard schedule, the isolation, and the desire as a a young man to be in a relationship, whether that's for marriage or dating, to get married eventually, right? We have this drive to want that. And it's a great incentive to get off base and explore. But I would say to be patient and discerning. Because there are women both in the military and civilian side who don't see you as a human being necessarily. They see you as a paycheck or a uniform item, right? And we need to be patient in discerning through that. And I think you really need to get to know someone. And I think there's also a a standard one of the things I regret most in all my dating, both civilian side and military side, is never lower your standards because you're lonely or because you're impatient. You know, I did that plenty of times and I deeply regretted it because it just leads to even worse experiences. Experiences. But every date that went worse, it just pushed me to lower my standards more because you're just so desperate for I just want company. That story I shared with you, ultimately, if I had been patient and discerning, I would have said, listen, we're not connecting. You you don't reciprocate, you don't respect, you're leading me on, right? But because I just wanted to chase that idea of company, or I've dated people who said, Hey, I have a boyfriend now, but he's moving away. I'm on a date with you because I'm trying to get the backup options earlier rather than later. And he's only a boyfriend in title because I never want to have the status of being single. And I think a lot of us feel this pressure to date from our parents, from society, from this fear that being single makes you worth less. You know? So don't let that pressure push you. And I would say Don't take advice from all these people in the military who 'cause everyone in military is gonna say, Don't day or day or do this or day that do what is best for you but Be discerning and be patient. And honestly, I would say that it's not entirely hopeless within any town that is a military area. There are plenty of people that will see you for who you are or, you know, don't care about the military side of things. But honestly, I w I would go two to three towns over, if anything, to be honest, just to get away from that saturation, from that competition. Right, I I told you about that that woman I matched with who said out you're out of 200 guys who match with me today, you're in the top ten most attractive and least weird. Do you really want to be with someone who has a roster? Now when you're in a dating phase, sure, maybe people have a roster and they're trying to meet that person. But you gotta think about that really hard and long. And I think too many of us are just trying to jump right into it. So be patient and be discerning. You don't have to wait till you get out of the uniform. You don't have to wait till you leave the military, right? I know plenty of people who met their wife in the military, met their husband in the military, and they've been happy. They've been together for years, have a family. So I know we focused a lot on the bad, but like you said, there are positives. There are plenty of people who found the love of their life in a port call, in their base of station, whatever it was. There's plenty of people who go into the military with a partner and stay through all of it. I think it's really about patience, discernment, and also dedication. Because the military will test your relationship more than any other situation. Because it's not just distance. There's also the layers of not being able to communicate sometimes, whether that's not a phone, whether that's rotating shift work, whatever it is. There's a lot of factors that play into it. So you need to be patient, discerning, and dedicated. And I advise everyone, active duty or going in, to really think about that. And I would say Don't conform to the culture. If people were saying, hey, we're in a port call, so all we're gonna do is find prostitutes or date local women, and you want to go do something else, go do something else. You don't have to do it to fit in. And I think there's such a toxic culture of, well, military guys, our thing is we just go to port calls and we do this. It doesn't have to be that way.

Reza Ghaemi: Beautiful. Thank you so much, Mr. Whiskey. it's just you're so young and when you're eighteen years old, you know,

Mr. Whiskey: Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: it's easier said than to say these things. It than to

Mr. Whiskey: A hundred percent. A hundred percent.

Reza Ghaemi: you know, so I I have nothing but love and respect for for the people that are going through this and the people that do this. And I I sure hope they can take your advice and kind of live you know, come out stronger and look so t talk to me a little bit of a few minutes left. what are you up to nowadays and in terms of your relationship? I I assume you're in a relationship right now or

Mr. Whiskey: Yes, I'm actually getting married soon, so you know, and it took a lot

Reza Ghaemi: congratulations.

Mr. Whiskey: of trial and error. But one thing I wanna pivot to real quick is also

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah.

Mr. Whiskey: for any woman who's ever been hurt by a military man, what I wanna say to you right now is, you know, it's no different than judging a whole race or culture or group of people because of one person. And so this idea that, well, hey, I was with a military partner and they beat me or gave me an S D D or cheated on me, therefore all military men are that way. it's no different than me saying all civilian women are gold diggers. Or fetishizers because I'm in the military, right? We need to keep that in mind. And I know it can be difficult because you could say, well, you know, five of my girlfriends also dated military men who did horrible things. But I could also say I could name five veterans right now who were used for money or cheated on, right? Of course, we can always find examples to compound our stereotype or projection, but you need to treat each person for who they are as an individual and not attach that to the uniform, the race, the

Reza Ghaemi: Or in my case, the mental health condition.

Mr. Whiskey: Right, right.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah, it's so important. Yeah. You're what you're saying is just gold, gold, gold. for sure, man. anything you wanna say about I guess you know, anything else you wanna say, man? to you've you've s you know, you said a lot of great things and this has been such a great message, and it's been time flies, it's been 15 minutes and I guess one closing question. I th I I might have asked you this in kind of a but let me ask you again. If you could sit down with your seventeen year old self on the day you enlisted, what would you tell him about dating trust boundaries and protecting his identity?

Mr. Whiskey: Yeah, you know, kind of like what I I said earlier with the patience, the discerning, the dedication. Also just like you know, this idea I I had a an idea that, you know, red flags didn't matter, that you were being judgmental. And I think red flags shouldn't be an automatic no, but they should be you know, raise your ear and your eye to, hey, I need to be a little more cautious or discerning. You know, there was a point where my lack of judgment made me gullible and made me vulnerable to manipulation, to different tactics, to gaslighting. You know, we didn't even talk about that, but there was plenty of that in my life, you know. And I'm not saying that I've been the perfect dating partner or that some of those broken relationships didn't damage me in ways that then fed over into other relationships. I will say, for the most part, people who hurt you in dating aren't just malicious, ill-intended people. A lot of them are coming from bad experiences. And I think one of the things is we need to all slowly push out this hookup and dating culture that we have. But we're doing the opposite. We're saying, yeah, hookup culture, we're all so tired of it. Yet we keep making these shallow dating shows. No offense to yeah, I won't name any names, but there's certain TV companies and and streaming companies that are dropping new love shows. I'm trying not to say names, you know, every single week. And a lot of them are so shallow. Social media has made us so shallow, has sexualized so much, has you know degraded so much. And so I I but again, I would tell Seventeen year old me to Be patient. You know, the the first woman who gives you attention, don't just jump at that. Or the first if you're a woman, the first guy who gives you attention. There's so many young girls in high school or college who, you know, they were maybe a little bit outcasted or socially awkward. First guy that gives them attention, they don't care if he's older or or sh has red flags or who he is, right? They're just desperate for that attention. And that's where the real danger is. I don't think the real danger is some person in alleyway is gonna push me up against the wall. The truth is that most. Sexual assault, manipulation, gaslighting abuse, it comes from someone who knows you, someone who's in your friend circle or family, or that person who gives you attention. And that's not to say everyone who gives you attention is ill-intended, but you need to be patient and discerning. I think too many of us are impatient because we're tired of being alone, or because we see all this stuff on social media and we want that too. And it's good to want love, to have a relationship. I think that's very natural, and it's God, you know, just prescribe. But I think that we need to be more patient because a lot of us aren't pursuing covenantal love to the degree that we should be. And that really filters out. And so I encourage people, number one I mistake I made, every time I went on a date, we walked away from the date as boyfriend and girlfriend. I I don't think I ever went on any dates more than once without going home as boyfriend and girlfriend. That's too soon. Too many times I got caught up in what I thought a person was or who a person presented themselves to be and didn't actually take the time to get to know them. I I had a ex fiance, years of a relationship where what divided us was stuff that we should have talked about on day one. And I think too many people are avoiding conversations or differences because they rather keep something that hurts them than look or restart again. Don't be afraid to Give up and re reinvest, restart, and don't be afraid to say no, this isn't in alignment with me. Because I've tried. I've tried I've dated witches, I dated pagans, I've dated goths, I've dated potheads, I've dated a lot of people who are against everything I believe in. And it doesn't work. I thought that love could fill those divides, but if you and them don't have the same kind of love, the same definition of love, if one of you has God at the center of the world and the other one has has people at the center of the world, it's not gonna work out.

Reza Ghaemi: You gotta have the same values, for sure, for sure. I agree with that. A hundred percent, Mr. Whiskey.

Mr. Whiskey: Yeah. And that's more difficult now than ever before with the political divide of this world.

Reza Ghaemi: Totally. I know. It's becoming like more and more polarized every day and I don't know. Mr. Whiskey, I congrats on your your marriage and

Mr. Whiskey: yet to happen, so don't congratulate me yet. You know, wait 'til it's said and done. Yeah. If it doesn't work out, we'll podcast about it. So

Reza Ghaemi: yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can congrats on the upcoming wedding. If you need a wedding DJ, no, I'm sure it will work out. You got a lot of experience and I'm sure you'll be fine. but yeah, let me know if you need a wedding DJ. although I'm in Toronto and you're in the US, so I don't know if that's gonna work. But cool. So where can people find your podcast? Is it's on all platforms?

Mr. Whiskey: Yep, pretty much all major platforms, twenty plus of them, you know, but obviously the main ones. I highly recommend going to my website though, coupleonukes.com, C O U P O E O N U K E S dot com. That has not just my podcast, but it has every episode categorized into different sections so you can find what best suits you and what you're trying to improve or learn about. It has every show I've ever been on, every guest who's been on my show, and the comedy, the preaching, the speaking, everything. thing, a ton of free resources for you to just improve your life or if you feel like it's not for you, to learn and share this knowledge because we know it's not just about ourselves, it's about serving others and helping others grow and you know, prevention, intervention and recovery.

Reza Ghaemi: Thank you so much, Mr. Whiskey, for your wisdom today and for your stories and just being so open and vulnerable. And I hope it resonated with somebody, make a difference with somebody else today listening. And we will be in touch, Mr. Whiskey. Don't go anywhere yet. And definitely this this episode, it is live right now, but it will be available on all major platforms in the upcoming days. Spotify, YouTube, po Apple Podcasts. So, thanks again, Mr. Whiskey. just because we're at the hour mark, there's so much we can talk about. And I'd love

Mr. Whiskey: yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: to have you on again with a more narrowed down topic. but it was just so much, so much enlightened, so eye opening today. Thank you so much.

Mr. Whiskey: Thank you for having me.