Dating in 2026: Attachment Styles, Dating Apps & Sexual Chemistry with Violet Lange

Reza Ghaemi: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the Rez Podcast, the show where we explore the ideas, habits, and conversations that help us grow, think differently, and live more intentionally. I'm your host, Reza Kaemi. Today I'm joined with Violet Lang, a Harvard graduate relationship coach, yoga teacher, and Reiki master who helps people break unhealthy relationship patterns and create lasting love. Today we'll challenge some popular ideas about attachment styles, examine the reality of dating apps, and explore how important sexual chemistry might be. In a sex in in a successful relationship. Violet, welcome to the res podcast.

Violet Lange: Thank you, I'm so excited to be here. You have such a fun show.

Reza Ghaemi: Thank you so much, Violet. I'm really excited to have you on the show. so Violet, first off, let's talk about the formerly known pickup artistry or pickup artists of the dating world. now they don't really call themselves that because so many things happened. so many, I guess, lawsuits happened, the Me Too movement happened, all that stuff happened. they have a meaningful place in my heart because they help me in so many ways to develop confidence as a man. but I know I do understand that some of their ideas are not very well received. And so wanted to get your take. You said you prior to I hit me hitting record, you said you did watch the Pickup Artist show on VH One from the mystery method. so I'd love to get your idea on that type of coaching before we get into the other topics.

Violet Lange: Of course. Yeah, you know, I think in every endeavor, like there's some truth to it. So when I connect to like the heart of a man who's like, you know, I just I don't know how to connect with women and like I need some support in finding that. I'm a yes to that. I'm a yes to like people learning new skills and tools. What I'm not a yes to is like negging and like some of the manipulation techniques that go into that because it feels

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm.

Violet Lange: a little bit like whiplash. You I've experienced people coming onto me like that where they're, you know, sarcastic and and put me down and then build me up and it's just like holy fucking shit, like I don't want to date you. Like this feels like being on a roller coaster and my dad was a narcissist and like I'm I'm just not down for the Power games, you know? But when I when I think of like the heart of the intention behind it, I'm a yes to that. And I'm glad that it's evolving and evolved. However, just like anything else, just 'cause you evolved the name doesn't necessarily mean the the bulk of it is evolved. But Yeah, I I think the entitlement and kind of the psycholo psychological manipulation I'm not down for. But the building presence and building confidence and communication skills I I'm a yes to.

Reza Ghaemi: Perfect. That's what I want to hear. Because to be quite frank with you, like that's I think the the some of these coaches always preached to me, at least when I joined their programs, they always preach, like, well, they didn't preach, but it's like karate or martial arts. You can go and kill somebody with those skill sets. And similarly, with those skills that you developed in the, you know, the types of coaching that we just discussed, you can use it in a negative way. And I think the A lot of the coaches like I know Mystery. I've talked to him personally. We followed each other on Instagram. And

Violet Lange: Cool.

Reza Ghaemi: I think the intention he has is really good. but I think people have abused some of those tactics. So yeah, I appreciate your insights on that. because the whole point is remember, this started with guys that are so shy. They always use this expression of like some people can. Like a marine. There is a Marine that goes and kills people at war, but he is so shy that he can't go up to a girl to say hello. So you gotta look at those

Violet Lange: Mm-hmm.

Reza Ghaemi: extremes there and and realize that some men are just so shy that these these tactics might help. That's just my opinion. You know what I mean?

Violet Lange: Yeah, absolutely. And I mean, I work a lot with women and I find that some women are also very shy. And I just wanna also say that there is and I don't know if you identify this, but I identify as neurospicy. So there's also this overlap of like societal norms says you must flirt in this certain way. And then if you don't relate to the world in a neurotypical way, at least like I don't Then it's like, well, give me the standard operating procedure. Like help me know how to actually connect the dots, because this isn't coming naturally for me. Or for me, I experienced childhood sexual abuse. So it's like, well, I don't feel comfortable just kind of like feeling and being sexy because I have all this other stuff in the way. And so it is a deeper work than just the outer parts that we see and the kind of like flashy media parts. And like you said, any movement can get distorted, and the original teachings can get distorted. So

Reza Ghaemi: Yep,

Violet Lange: yes

Reza Ghaemi: yep.

Violet Lange: to the yes to the heart of it and I'm glad that you've had good experiences with it. And I feel protective of women and people who haven't had good experiences with it, and that's okay.

Reza Ghaemi: 100% hundred percent violet. I wanted just because we're limited on time and I know you focus on a little bit about attachment styles. And so, you know, I I kind of not to be cheesy, but you know, attachment styles for me is kind of like what's the other one that people talk about? Love languages. Yeah. So like

Violet Lange: The love languages, yes.

Reza Ghaemi: I always like, I'm like, come on. I I love all of the languages. Like how could you just have one?

Violet Lange: Yes.

Reza Ghaemi: So to me, attachment styles is a little bit like that in the sense that who isn't insecure? Do you know anyone that

Violet Lange: Yeah, totally.

Reza Ghaemi: isn't that is fully secure, Violet? So can you help me kind of unpack that concept of of attachment styles and and really, you know, understand it perhaps in a in a way that, you know, helps?

Violet Lange: Yes. I mean attachment style is is like forty years old at this point, you know, so it may not even be super relevant for where we're going relationally and in our society, but at the time it was very ground groundbreaking, right? About how kids develop an attachment style based on how their parents nurture them. And if we take that bigger perspective, I think there's value in saying how I was raised influences how I show up in my relationships now. But I think attachment style, kind of like the Myers Brig, is flat. It's like okay, that's useful for a tiny bit of information, but it needs to be more alive and dynamic. It's kind of like a typology, and so I have seen for myself and most of my clients how our attachment style is, might be a certain way based on our childhood experiences, but then it changes based on who we're around, right? Like if I'm around someone highly avoidant, I might feel more anxious. Like, there, you know, what's going on here? Like there's no connection. I might start blaming myself instead of taking a few deep breaths, like getting more regulated, noticing, okay, they've got something going on, and like my validation doesn't need to be driven by how they're interacting with me. Or someone who's really avoidant, if they're with someone like warm, making Good eye contact, like being secure and friendly, they might feel less avoidant. I mean, they also might feel freaked the fuck out like want to run for the hills, but it's so much more dynamic than just the flat ones. And I considered that I had a pretty disorganized attachment style where I was all of them at any given time. but I will say that for me, I have seen my attachment style shift over time as I've done work. So I think it's an important framework, it's not the only one, and it's not as like flat and deterministic as people might think.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay. Okay. No, appreciate it. that that that kinda helps me understand a little bit. So I guess it's just something that perhaps people can put into their life just to be self-awareness and also, you know, knowing what your attachment style is perhaps could help. But yeah.

Violet Lange: Yes.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry.

Violet Lange: Go ahead.

Reza Ghaemi: I don't know. I think it's just one of those things that for me it's like I'm not I'm not gonna do that. Like I for me that doesn't help, but but I can see perhaps it's kinda like C B T, like cognitive behavioral therapy. Like, you

Violet Lange: Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: know, for some people it works and some for some people it doesn't. And yeah, it's one of those things where, you know, so

Violet Lange: I'm glad you're bringing that up because I think we all have this tendency, especially in like the AI world, to say, this one framework, right? Like or this one tool is gonna fix everything. And from my own journey and a lot of the clients I work with, we have compact complex trauma and so it's not just like, I did one Reiki session and like everything was Nirvana or I had one psychedelic experience and my whole life changed. Like, well maybe it did, but it's like a series of tools. So to your point earlier about pickup artistry, it's not really to me about the pickup, it's about the the work underneath it to build confidence and skill. But

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. Yep.

Violet Lange: that also needs to be combined with like self-awareness and grounding and you know it's it's like a mosaic is how I think about it because we're all used unique and different things are gonna work for different people and I'm not really into human design but I've had people say you know 90% of the coaching industry is geared towards people who are manifestors. It's just like just do these five things and it works and it's like well it's a little more complicated for most of us.

Reza Ghaemi: For sure. For sure. And I think it's the sort of the less the coaches that have less experience that try to sell it as if it's so simple and it is more complicated than that. so just to kind of dive into the next thing I want to talk to you about, because I know you're kind of you coach people with online dating and dating and and stuff like that. so how important, Violet, would you say? Sexual chemistry is in determining whether a relationship will be successful. And what I what I want to get at is people always say date your friend. And that's a concept that's never made sense to me. Like the the show Friends, you know how they all date each other in that show? It's so weird, right? Like I've never could date my friend. It's like she's like my sister at that point. So what's

Violet Lange: Mm. Yeah, I think that's weird. Yeah. Yes.

Reza Ghaemi: your take on how important sexual chemistry is?

Violet Lange: Yes, I think it's important, but I think it's beyond just physical attraction. I think we have like a sense of chemistry with people sometimes based on our energy or based on like intellectual connection or based on like a little bit of that banter or given you know give and take. So when I met my husband, I felt like we had these kind of spiritual sparks. It was just like, like I like this person's worldview and I am stimulated by the conversation. And there was enough of like an edge emotionally where we met at this event. Well we met in a dream in real life and then we met at this event on dreaming. We have this kind of crazy story. But towards the end of Of our conversation at the end of the night, he's like, I need to go home because I haven't meditated yet. And part of me was really judging him. I'm like, it's 11:30, bro, and like you're leaving me and this connection to go meditate. But the other part of me is like, that's fucking hot because I appreciated his integrity, his commitment to his practices, his willing to like leave when he needed to leave. And so that's what I mean about like sometimes the polarity or the friction or the contrast also creates some of the attraction. But if you don't have, I feel like some sort of natural spark in any of those dimensions of intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, physically, whatever. And I think we do need like a baseline level of I I really feel drawn to being with this person. And I do think it's different for different people. I have one of my friends who identifies as a sexual blueprint in the Jaya system, and she's very visual. She's like, if I don't feel into him physically, like it's not happening. You know, and I it's not that I don't care about how someone looks, but I've never really had like a physical type. I can date all different sorts of how people look, and it's really about the connection between the two of us. So I think you have to honor yourself and like what is truly a turn on for you and is it more visual and body type and all that. However, caveat that like a lot of what we think is visually attractive has been influenced by beauty standards and pornography and all of those things. So we have to also unpack that.

Reza Ghaemi: Well said. so in terms of online dating, let's get into online dating. I

Violet Lange: Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: I my crow my girlfriend right now definitely did not meet her through online dating. I met her in person in real life.

Violet Lange: Awesome.

Reza Ghaemi: online dating to me has become so, so, so, so terrible these days that the quality like Michael Sartane, You know, he always he he describes that you know there's there's like a few types of personalities on online dating. There's terrible things. I I forgot what he says, but maybe I'll I'll edit it into this show. But what's your take on with online dating? That was my opinion. Don't feel like you have to share the same opinion, but that's

Violet Lange: No, all good. So I don't remember all the types either, but I think what you were talking about with pickup artistry, I think it started as a good idea. Like, hey, it's hard to meet

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Violet Lange: people. I live in the middle of nowhere. Or like my parents keep trying to set me up with XYZ and like I'm not into that. And so I think the the impetus was good. And then gets commercialized, and then there's shareholder value, and then there's metrics of numbers of users, and then there's, you know, AI bots and sex bots and like all the things.

Reza Ghaemi: Yep.

Violet Lange: And so, you know, they're keeping these like little pop-up apps of new apps that have a different promise, but they don't have the user base. And so it's kind

Reza Ghaemi: Mm-hmm.

Violet Lange: of like a crapshoot because you need to have a certain number of user base for people to to feel like they're getting a a variety of of you know options.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah. Yep.

Violet Lange: I will say about half of my clients meet their partner on the apps. So it is still successful for the women I work with. Yes.

Reza Ghaemi: Kidding me. Wow. Fifty percent.

Violet Lange: 50%. Yes. But

Reza Ghaemi: Is there do you wanna d can you name the apps or you can't? Okay. Okay. Okay.

Violet Lange: Yes, hinge. Hinge is the top app, and I know that's they're like the app to be deleted, and I actually find that to be true. second second place is a tie between field and tender. Tender used to be higher, but now more more people are doing fields.

Reza Ghaemi: Field for real field?

Violet Lange: Yes, yes. However, it depends on the type of relationship you're looking for, right? So some people are putting profiles up there saying like I'm looking for something monogamous and like here's what I'm into, but I do want a long-term relationship, but open to exploration along the way. And then I found that. people meet someone where the context is we're getting to know each other, we're not sure if it's gonna lead to anything. But then it does because they're both bringing like that level of honesty and intentionality into it. but I would say right now it's hinge Tinder and then field. And same with Tinder, people are like, hey, no, this is a hookup site. I'm open for that, but here's what I really want. And then they're kind of really being clear. So my view on the apps is that no of none of this, like, let me be funny to stand out, you know, let me like play this game to like get more swipes. It's like just being brutally honest of like, here's what I'm up for, here's what I'm not. You don't have to be that dry about it. but I help my clients write their profiles and it's kind of fun because I I encourage them to say a little bit about them, a little bit about what they're looking for, and then mainly about what is the type of relationship, not just the status, but like how do you wanna feel? What are the things you wanna do together? and then I have my own kind of methodology of how I encourage people to actually use the apps. but I find that a lot of people I work with similar to me, they're like, I'm burnt out on dating, I'm really intuitive, and I I've been through enough that I know what I want. And so if you're in that level of kind of maturity, then I say you need to be able to like go out and meet people and shine your light. And it's interesting 'cause we I feel like we went through this bell curve of the apps being really popular and like, you know, 2012 to 2018 or something and then COVID people were using the apps but it was so shitty. And so now people are finally just in like 2025-2026 like getting out more and meeting people in real life more. And so that's starting to pop. And I read some some numbers the other day that Even though the apps are s in quotations like successful, only twenty percent of long-term couples meet on the apps. And that's s held steady like the last seven or eight years. You know, at first it was like ten percent and it started climbing and different apps will publish higher numbers because they want people to use their app, but the number one paid way to meet someone is still in real life through a mutual friend or through a shared activity.

Reza Ghaemi: to hit the air horn, but I won't. just for your ears. So

Violet Lange: Ha ha ha ha.

Reza Ghaemi: you I can't believe you didn't even mention Bumble as a top app. That's crazy to me.

Violet Lange: It's a top app for people to use, but I haven't seen people get into relationship from it. Yeah.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, now something you didn't talk about, Violet, was the algorithm. So one of the reasons why I thought these apps were terrible was because of the algorithms that they have, right? So you mention

Violet Lange: Mm-hmm.

Reza Ghaemi: all the right ways that you coach your clients on their profiles, et cetera, but how do they ultimately fight the fucking algorithm?

Violet Lange: Yeah, I mean there are little ways. You can change your profile frequently and the more frequently you change it, the more higher you get up in the ranking. It doesn't have to be a huge change, but like change one of the prompts or change one of your photos or change the like order of the photos. it doesn't need to be like a full time job, but usually after two or three weeks you fall off. And so every two to three weeks just update something small on your profile. And I will say, because I'm talking to a man, like it's very different for men than women. For men, it's like a shit show. You know, ten percent of men get ninety five percent of the dates or something. And so I

Reza Ghaemi: Air horn again.

Violet Lange: I truly try to help my clients to be liberal in their filtering because I'm like, it's about quality. It's not about height. It's not about like where they went to school. Sure, if you want someone to have a college degree, great, you can say that. But it's it's like we get fixated on these external things and then we we don't have a good proxy for seeing what someone's character is and the emotional things that we can connect with someone on. but yes, I just just I just wanted to highlight that I know it's very different for men. and for women too. I actually coach not to do like the duck face and the peace signs and like all the, you know, things that supposedly people should be doing on the apps and I just have little tips about, you know, c some body shots, some face shots, more professional photos, no sunglasses, no hats, like no black and whites, no group photos. Like I just try to make it as real and connected as possible. but I do think it's gotten harder, and I hate saying that because I really like being like the voice of positivity, but I do I do think online dating has gotten harder and I think it's because the original, you know, mission drift, right? Like scope drift, people who are running the company and doing all that stuff don't really they're not really focused on getting people in relationship anymore.

Reza Ghaemi: Yeah, a hundred percent. okay. Great. this is great conversation, Violet. I love it. I love it. I'm so I and

Violet Lange: Thank you.

Reza Ghaemi: by the way, I drink a lot of coffee before this, so I'm a little bit hyped. But

Violet Lange: I love it. I'm I haven't drinking coffee yet today, but I love connecting about this stuff and you're asking great questions, so thank you.

Reza Ghaemi: No, I love, I love your, you know, you seem like a really good coach. So where, you know, I think

Violet Lange: Thank you.

Reza Ghaemi: I just want to know if you could tell us a little bit about because I want the listeners to really learn from you because I definitely can can see that you're you know what you're talking about. So where can people find you? And do you have a particular like, you know, some coaches like have a framework, like they call it something, or do you just

Violet Lange: Mm-hmm.

Reza Ghaemi: do like, kind of coaching like a counselor would or do you have a framework that you want to talk

Violet Lange: Yeah, so I have a program called Love Harmonics. It used to be Love Alchemy, and it's a six-week program, and we go through the different elements and how those elements can help shift our love life. So it's kind of witchy and kind of practical at the same time. And at the end you leave with a divine union blueprint. And it's divine union is really like, well, what is the inner work that I need to do to be ready for my match, to become the match instead of waiting for like a matchmaker.

Reza Ghaemi: And sorry, this is for men and women that you coach or all

Violet Lange: Yeah, all gender. Yes, all gender.

Reza Ghaemi: gender, right?

Violet Lange: Yeah. So for the bulk of my career in like twenty fifteen to twenty twenty two or so, I was mainly working with women and some men would kind of find me enough off and on. But more and more men have been coming, and I also have some co-ed programs now. So it's currently in season, so doors aren't open, but I also have something called the Love Field, Hot Love Summer, and it's all about like co-ed practice, embodiment, polarity, communication, flirting, talking about sex and like getting used to talking about taboo or uncomfortable things. so yes, I work with all genders and men and women can join that. If you go to violetlang.com forward slash love alchemy, that's where you can find find out more details. It starts on September 10th and doors open August 17th. And then I have a lot of other programs, but that's probably the best way to start with my work.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. Violet, I wanted to ask you if you would agree to be on the show another time because I yeah.

Violet Lange: Yeah, that'd be fun.

Reza Ghaemi: Okay, yeah, just because I do want to keep it to the almost we're at the almost 30 minute mark. I guess I'll ask you one more question before I before I let

Violet Lange: Yes. I know listener fatigue.

Reza Ghaemi: you go out, I will ask one more question. and then of course I look forward to having you again on on again with talk about different topics. But what would you say for men?

Violet Lange: Mm-hmm.

Reza Ghaemi: is the number one sort of advice you would give men to improve their online dating profile and hopefully fight the algorithm. You did mention some tips, but just

Violet Lange: Uh-huh.

Reza Ghaemi: ultimately what's the number one advice you would give men in general?

Violet Lange: I would say lead with their heartfelt desires. I know that sounds really cheesy, but a lot of men are focused on like, I need to be funny, I need to have the perfect prompt, I need to have like the right photo and This is more from the women's perspective. I think finding the algorithm is updating it and changing your pictures more frequently. That's honestly just the easiest way to do it, even though it's annoying. but in terms of the actual content, it would be like, here's what I want and here's why I want it. How does that sound for you? So instead of trying to be funny, be be real. Talk about what it is that you want and lead with your desire. And I have an example of a client who on his profile is super vanilla. It was like, I want to cuddle and like I'm looking for you know, someone to go out to dinner and movie with and it was just so bland. And then when he really got into his desire, he's like, I want to feel your hair over my face, like when we're making out and you're on top of me. And I want to feel like the the spark of joy in your eyes when I surprise you with your favorite flowers. And like I it was just it was visceral, it was about the five senses. It was sexy and it was heartfelt.

Reza Ghaemi: Amazing. sweet. That's awesome advice. okay, Violet, I'm gonna hit I'm gonna hit stop. I I I we already talked about where people can find you. So let's

Violet Lange: Great.

Reza Ghaemi: let's hit spot. That was great. Thank you so much for your time, Violet, today.

Violet Lange: Of course. That was really fun. You're a great host and lots of good energy and yeah, I like that we could kinda unpack some of the societal things and and the practical things and yeah. I'd love to come back.